a friend died yesterday.
i sat with her at the end.
i feel rather unworthy to have sat with her at the end.
there were others who were far better friends and companions on her journey than i was.
i cared.
i thought of her.
i checked in with others to see how she was doing.
we kept in touch over 13 years.
but then i remember the words of Jesus,
"when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me"
when i ask what is that was done i read,
"when i was hungry, you fed me. when i was thirsty, you gave me drink. when i was stranger, you invited me into your home. when i was naked, you gave me clothing. when i was sick, you cared for me. when i was in prison, you visited me."
i did none of these things.
i watched a friend of ours at the end wipe with such tenderness the salivia and spit from her mouth as she siezured. i saw her hold her hand and rub her arm to calm and comfort her. i saw a former boss, a friend, reach out and rub her bald head, kiss her as he left. i could justify/excuse my inability to do either. to touch someone is not always easy. to touch death. to be so close to it when i, myself, have seen it up close and personal as a young child when we found my father dead. but the reality is that i hesitated b/c i felt unworthy. unworthy b/c i knew but did not reach out. i knew but did not insist that she be loved.
i knew but did not visit. did not give a drink. did not feed. did not care, not in deed. not in the way that Jesus says seperates the sheep from the goats.
she died yesterday.
i felt honored to have known her.
i felt treasured to have her hug me with no words at a crucial time in my life.
i felt unworthy to have sat with her through something so sacred.
Oh God
humble me.
break me.
don't let me pass you by.
let my faith be a deed.
7/25/2007
7/18/2007
7/11/2007
grateful
affording pleasure or contentment; expressing gratitude; well pleased
that's what i'm feeling. i've tried to write about it but i can't. i just.....am grateful.
7/06/2007
it's the small things
ever stepped on a lego. just one. right smack dab in the middle of your foot. it hurts. you're tempted to curse the inventor of these tiny toys of torture. if your child is guilty of the crime of leaving one of these pieces of pain out on the floor you are either going to beg or rage that they from hence forth ever more search with a magnifying glass every inch of the room to ensure that no future innocent passerby will be assaulted. of course, whether you beg or rage depends on both the exact location the lego is embedded in your foot and the number of times you have begged or raged prior to this incident about such deadly little legos.
there's a point to the little lego that could stop you in your tracks. i mean think about it. it's tiny. it's meant for fun. it's a toy. yet, you a grown person are left looking much like a crazed person jumping up and down, swearing or biting your lip to avoid such a sin, dancing in place, grabbing your foot, with eyes watering, trying to communicate through gasping breaths. you've been stopped. whatever you were headed to do is now temporarily forgotten. whatever was next in line for you is left waiting for you to finish the lego dance. amazing how a toy, mere child's play, has you stopped (or perhaps dancing or writhing) in your tracks.
see it's the little things for me that do it every time. it's the little things that muck things up. not so much the big picture. not so much a crisis that demands a drastic decision that could forever change life as we know it. okay, a bit on the melodramatic side, but in reality i thrive on big ideas, the big picture, the vision, the ultimate outcome, the ultimate good. and give me a crisis, a moment where leadership and decision making is needed and i'm there to lead the charge living on the wise words of my father: poop or get off the pot. yes, not the most eloquent of leadership advice. we won't be writing any father/daughter books on that title. the truth is though i instinctively know what to do in those moments.
but day to day i sometimes think i might better be described as fish out of water. flailing around a bit. it's the day to day discipline. why don't i put everything on my desk back the same way, every day. is monday really that different from tuesday? is this wednesday all that altered from the wednesday before? the problem is i live in a world that demands perfection and we demand it now. so i being the take charge person when confronted with imperfection that either can't be changed, will always be a struggle or perfection that requires time become overwhelmed.
take the desk. the creative part of my brain needs the room, the chaos to function in. the part of my brain that runs literally 90 miles per hour on a slow day needs to be able to toss and run. and in those moment of great inspiration, a cluttered desk and a two week old sticky note left in a toss and run aren't important. but in scheduling of leaders, in finding a seat for a person to come and sit and seek advice, sticky notes left here and there and cluttered desks make it hard. make it hard to do what needs to be done today in between the crisis and the ultimate end.
so my response, just forget it. i want to do it right and do it all the way and it's not my strong point and i know i'll never do it perfectly and so i get overwhelmed and walk away. sticky note still left in creative chaos. chaos that suits the moment, that serves the ultimate end, but keeps from ever really reaching the ultimate end b/c the creativity is walking around on a sticky note stuck to someone's foot who stopped by the office to see me.
you know the funny thing is this post (in my mind) started out with a goal. a goal of getting to an idea of pop and dieting and eating healthier. i realize i'm taking the long road getting there but i think it's the little things that keep us from eating healthier, being healthier. we look at the scale and we say, "oh my!". it's depressing. if you have never experienced the depression come with me and let's go shopping at the big girls' store. it's excruciating and i'm not even obese (by non-medical average joe on the street standards - which means i've got about 50 to lose). and again b/c we can't have it now, b/c it will probably be a struggle, might always be a struggle, and getting there requires time we just say forget it. we get overwhelmed.
but we can start somewhere. like today at lunch. i got a salad (that's not the starting point) but i got the dressing (ranch - yummy!) on the side. i dipped rather soaked my salad. it's a start. a small one. but i ingested far fewer calories today than the day before. and today i had less pop than yesterday. not much, but something. and overtime the somethings add up to calories that i'm not shoving into my system. and the little choices i make here - strawberries instead of brownies - add up to calories that feed my system and give me more than i had yesterday.
i wonder if we do the same thing with our faith journey. we know there are things we should cut out, get rid of. or things we should do more of.
we have this image of the person who prays an hour a day, but between work, chores at home, spouses, kids, and a myriad of other things that claim our time we just can't see it happening. and it does it might be a struggle, it might take time, it might not ever be what we envision - this perfectly set apart hour of a full 60 minutes where we are obsessed with none other than God. so we don't. we don't pray. we don't pray more than we did yesterday. we don't pray better than we did yesterday. and a year from now we are still stealing 10 minute now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep prayers.
perhaps, all you have is 10 more minutes to pray today than yesterday. it's a start. and that may be all you have for a today and tomorrow. funny thing is i bet you'll find more time the more you keep striving toward that goal. oh you might not reach the full uninterrupted (remember there are legos in the hallway on the way to your closet to pray) 60 minutes dedicated to God. but if you do more today than yesterday, if you start somewhere, if you are willing to not conform to a pattern of the world, i bet this time next year you are closer to 60 minutes than today. and i bet that the quality of the time you spend with Him might be better, what you are putting into that system of yours is just a little bit better.
so i don't know if i'll have all 50 lbs gone by summer '08. i do know i'll be closer and the quality of the poundage i carry will be better.
it will always be the little things that muck us up or that's what i think. it's also the little things that can make all the difference. a lego just isn't a E-normous well designed destroyer of parents world wide, but a reminder that there are little things running around that bear no price b/c there value is worth every embedded lego you pull out.
ps - on the way out of the office today, i threw away some old sticky notes that where on my cluttered desk. got to start somewhere, right?
there's a point to the little lego that could stop you in your tracks. i mean think about it. it's tiny. it's meant for fun. it's a toy. yet, you a grown person are left looking much like a crazed person jumping up and down, swearing or biting your lip to avoid such a sin, dancing in place, grabbing your foot, with eyes watering, trying to communicate through gasping breaths. you've been stopped. whatever you were headed to do is now temporarily forgotten. whatever was next in line for you is left waiting for you to finish the lego dance. amazing how a toy, mere child's play, has you stopped (or perhaps dancing or writhing) in your tracks.
see it's the little things for me that do it every time. it's the little things that muck things up. not so much the big picture. not so much a crisis that demands a drastic decision that could forever change life as we know it. okay, a bit on the melodramatic side, but in reality i thrive on big ideas, the big picture, the vision, the ultimate outcome, the ultimate good. and give me a crisis, a moment where leadership and decision making is needed and i'm there to lead the charge living on the wise words of my father: poop or get off the pot. yes, not the most eloquent of leadership advice. we won't be writing any father/daughter books on that title. the truth is though i instinctively know what to do in those moments.
but day to day i sometimes think i might better be described as fish out of water. flailing around a bit. it's the day to day discipline. why don't i put everything on my desk back the same way, every day. is monday really that different from tuesday? is this wednesday all that altered from the wednesday before? the problem is i live in a world that demands perfection and we demand it now. so i being the take charge person when confronted with imperfection that either can't be changed, will always be a struggle or perfection that requires time become overwhelmed.
take the desk. the creative part of my brain needs the room, the chaos to function in. the part of my brain that runs literally 90 miles per hour on a slow day needs to be able to toss and run. and in those moment of great inspiration, a cluttered desk and a two week old sticky note left in a toss and run aren't important. but in scheduling of leaders, in finding a seat for a person to come and sit and seek advice, sticky notes left here and there and cluttered desks make it hard. make it hard to do what needs to be done today in between the crisis and the ultimate end.
so my response, just forget it. i want to do it right and do it all the way and it's not my strong point and i know i'll never do it perfectly and so i get overwhelmed and walk away. sticky note still left in creative chaos. chaos that suits the moment, that serves the ultimate end, but keeps from ever really reaching the ultimate end b/c the creativity is walking around on a sticky note stuck to someone's foot who stopped by the office to see me.
you know the funny thing is this post (in my mind) started out with a goal. a goal of getting to an idea of pop and dieting and eating healthier. i realize i'm taking the long road getting there but i think it's the little things that keep us from eating healthier, being healthier. we look at the scale and we say, "oh my!". it's depressing. if you have never experienced the depression come with me and let's go shopping at the big girls' store. it's excruciating and i'm not even obese (by non-medical average joe on the street standards - which means i've got about 50 to lose). and again b/c we can't have it now, b/c it will probably be a struggle, might always be a struggle, and getting there requires time we just say forget it. we get overwhelmed.
but we can start somewhere. like today at lunch. i got a salad (that's not the starting point) but i got the dressing (ranch - yummy!) on the side. i dipped rather soaked my salad. it's a start. a small one. but i ingested far fewer calories today than the day before. and today i had less pop than yesterday. not much, but something. and overtime the somethings add up to calories that i'm not shoving into my system. and the little choices i make here - strawberries instead of brownies - add up to calories that feed my system and give me more than i had yesterday.
i wonder if we do the same thing with our faith journey. we know there are things we should cut out, get rid of. or things we should do more of.
we have this image of the person who prays an hour a day, but between work, chores at home, spouses, kids, and a myriad of other things that claim our time we just can't see it happening. and it does it might be a struggle, it might take time, it might not ever be what we envision - this perfectly set apart hour of a full 60 minutes where we are obsessed with none other than God. so we don't. we don't pray. we don't pray more than we did yesterday. we don't pray better than we did yesterday. and a year from now we are still stealing 10 minute now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep prayers.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living
sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approved what God's will
is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2
doesn't the pattern of the world tend to toss and run. if it can't be fixed, throw it away. if it isn't perfect, don't bother. if it's hard do something else. if it isn't now, don't spend the time to make it be. if you'll never quite achieve, let it go. we do this in our marriages, in our attitude at work, in our relationships with our kids, our neighbors. it's kind of scary to think we are still conforming to the patter of the world even as Christ followers. in my noble goal of wanting to pray more, to be more like Christ, which seems so grand a goal for a believer, i am actually modeling the pattern of the world. i'm conforming to the very ideas that Paul urges us not to.
perhaps, all you have is 10 more minutes to pray today than yesterday. it's a start. and that may be all you have for a today and tomorrow. funny thing is i bet you'll find more time the more you keep striving toward that goal. oh you might not reach the full uninterrupted (remember there are legos in the hallway on the way to your closet to pray) 60 minutes dedicated to God. but if you do more today than yesterday, if you start somewhere, if you are willing to not conform to a pattern of the world, i bet this time next year you are closer to 60 minutes than today. and i bet that the quality of the time you spend with Him might be better, what you are putting into that system of yours is just a little bit better.
so i don't know if i'll have all 50 lbs gone by summer '08. i do know i'll be closer and the quality of the poundage i carry will be better.
it will always be the little things that muck us up or that's what i think. it's also the little things that can make all the difference. a lego just isn't a E-normous well designed destroyer of parents world wide, but a reminder that there are little things running around that bear no price b/c there value is worth every embedded lego you pull out.
ps - on the way out of the office today, i threw away some old sticky notes that where on my cluttered desk. got to start somewhere, right?
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