a psalm

okay maybe i'm the only one and maybe my faith is not what it should be but one thing i pride myself on, albeit probably a false pride, is that i'm honest and the honest truth is i feel like a fake. i'm out of happy smiles, out of a face that says i'm fine, i'm okay, life is good. and as if to slap me in the face, the reality is: life is good. oh sure i've got some punches to the gut and some battle scars but i've got no reason to complain. i've worked with masses of people who have reasons to put their fist to the sky and ask, "why?".

i've been blessed which makes this ever soakening feeling worse. the feeling the pain will never go away and the verses you quote are shallow or more accurately you are just shallow. people say let it go and i do or so i try or so i think i do and i'd love someone to draw me a diagram because i must just be that dense because here i am, almost two years later pain fresh and raw. what pain? does it matter? can't you relate? pain is pain and time doesn't heal it, just dulls the ache.

and you shouldn't listen to sappy songs when you are in this mood, i know but this is my favorite song at the moment - by the weepies

scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
some impressions stay and some will fade
tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
your life feels like the morning after all year long.

every day it starts again
you cannot say if you're happy
you keep trying to be
try harder, maybe this is not your year.

movies, tv screens reflect just what you expected
there's a world of shiny people somewhere else
out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong

breathe through it, write a list of desires
make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."

and i'm trying to hold on, to keep repeating "don't give up". trust. take bad from the same hand that you take good. trust not in what you see but what your spirit reaches for. trust in His character, but i must confess i'm angry cus i'm still hurting. the balm of Gilead seems to come up short or is just slow in the coming. and then fear strikes me. can i say that..should i say that?

but i'm counting on the character of God who knows that my heart is forever tethered to Him. it's just blowing in the wind and my strength is waining.

but still i will wait.

the Balm will come.

and it will be good.

till then....i guess i can always smile.