A Prayer

Come to me, come to me,
come to me.

Come.

To Me.

Spirit of the One on High

who holds lightning bolts

between his finger tips.

Creator of the dandelion and

designer of lion's roar.

Fashioner of this faith

that resonates in me.

Come to me.

Look at me, look at me,

look at me.

Look.

At Me.

I strip off my clothing

down to what I was

at the beginning - breasts bare,

thighs exposed, no hidden hair.

I proclaim my transgressions, raise

forth my lusts and desires and I ask

of you one thing, one thing only.

Look At Me.

Speak to me, speak to me,

speak to me.

Speak.

To Me.

I've left my doctrines and

teachings of old. Set aside

the Torah, my code of conduct.

I want more than words

carved into stone.

You spoke to Moses and Abraham

and Isaac and Job.

Now Speak To Me.

ordering at IHOP

he wanted to be married

like he wanted an ice cream cone

he wanted to be with me

like he wanted a side of fries

with his Swedish pancakes.

he wanted whatever made him satisfied

but wanted no confusion

between his needs and mine

like a menu at the IHOP

labeled clearly

gratuity already figured.

he wanted a belly full

but no dishes to do

no fussing over the setting of the table

or crumbs on the floor

no manners to mind.

he wanted marriage

like I order cheese on

my cheeseburger

or butter

on my toast

wanted to taste it all

just never foot the bill.

fog over bridge

i saw a picture and thought of you.
of possibilities not yet spoken
like fog hanging lightly over dew
sitting upon blades of green,
tender and young, bending slightly
as if waiting for light to draw them forth.
air lingers dense with promises
we dare not share, but only hold close
like cool wetness on tree branches.
and time becomes our companion,
our lover, caressing the light
urging it tenderly to display itself.
to let reality escape like hope
on resurrection morning
with a sigh and a release
of all that could be if we only believe.

sister seven - undone

love this song - liking this group sister seven

Hear the rattle
Change is coming
Baby could you leave me something
Hold me 'til I cannot breathe
I'll wake to find you gone
Well I don't mind this at all
You said that I'd be better off
To find another love

'Cause life's been kinder to me
I will wait this time'
Cause this is stronger than you think
I will stay to show you something
The world is missing
It's hiding under
The shame and wishing
We could finish all that's been undone

wrap around it
Break it open
Push it down the stairs or something
This is what we've come here for
To open wide the change
Some believe in suffering
Keep the lock and toss the key
It's better, easier and all

dreaming

dream - to consider as a possibility

the idea: if i were not simply better but well (see last post) what would i look like.

the possibility: if i knew love, the God kind, what would i look like, what would be different?

I'd take a chance on falling in love...one more time.

I'd live with hope that life might work the way I dreamed...rather than expect it to blow up in my face.

I'd believe the best in people...rather than looking for the flaw.

I'd try something new...rather than sitting on the sidelines.

I'd trust what people say...rather than waiting for the "catch".

I'd take the next move...rather than being constrained by fear of failing.

I'd accept compliments at face value...rather than searching for the lie.

I'd let go freely...rather than regretting past choices.

I'd quit apologizing for what isn't my responsibility...rather than taking on guilt that is not mine to carry.

I might just live life with joy...and not dread.

I'd say no...and not yes.

I'd take care of myself...rather than taking care of everyone else at my expense.

I might jump...right into the life I was meant to live.

For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete (fullness - filled) through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

Colossians 2:9-10

if i had what i lacked...

i recently attended a spiritual growth conference called fully alive at the church i attend and work at. steve deneff (http://www.stevedeneff.com/) is pastor of college wesleyan church at indiana wesleyan college. he challenged us to stop trying to get better (definition of one of the words used for healing) and to ask God to make us well/whole (definition of the the other word used for healing).

examples: getting better is not being so critical and cutting others down with our mouths. getting well is learning to praise others and lift others up with our words. getting better is not looking at others with lust and stop watching certain shows and programs. getting well is learning what love is and how to experience it with your spouse.

he had us a list a sin/area we struggle with. he encouraged us to look at that "thing" behind the sin. what is it we were really craving? lust is our substitute for love. possessions/selfishness is our substitute for knowing our value in God. sin is a our replacement for something God can gives us and longs to give us. he then asked us to dream what it would like not if we were simply better and didn't do those things, but what would we look like - what would it be like - if we were well. if that "thing" that our sin was acting as the counterfeit for was really in our life. if we didn't need the counterfeit not because we had exhibited enough self control and "got over it" aka got better, but because we had the real deal. something better. because we were well.

i am reading a book called Jesus for President (side note: a great read if you like to have things that you've always believed challenged and wonder if there is an alternative biblical view to the way things are for christians in our current political system). in the first part of the book the authors discuss this same idea. us counterfeiting.

MOST of the ugliness in the human narrative comes from a distorted quest to possess beauty. COVETING begins with appreciating blessings. MURDER begins with a hunger for justice. LUST begins with a recognition of beauty. GLUTTONY begins when our enjoyment of the delectable gifts of GOD starts to consume us. IDOLATRY begins when our seeing a reflection of God in something beautiful leads to our thinking that the beautiful image bearer is worthy of WORSHIP.

so i'm back to more wondering. what is it in my life that my sins represent? that "thing" that is behind them? what is it i lack that leads me to counterfeit the real thing? and why am i not going after the real thing? how would my life look different if i had the real thing? how would i look? what would i dream?

i think i am going at things backwards - totally, ridiculously backwards. you see this in the christian world. we try so hard to rid ourselves of our sins. i mean that's how we tell who is and isn't a christian right? those who are following these certain behaviors and avoiding these other behaviors. but what happens when follow those and avoid these? am i suddenly no longer a christian? if it's all about what i do than can't i just fake it? and am i faking it?

when Jesus was on earth it's interesting what He had to say about this. He said the one way people/others would know that we belonged to Him was by our love. He didn't offer a list of things we would do or avoid, but that love would guide us. love would shine through. i can do many things but if love isn't in them it depletes their value. paul reminded of this when he said that if he spoke like angels but without love it was simply like a two year old on drums.

what gives my actions their beauty, their wonder, what separates me from others is the love that i possess. and honestly i think i'm lacking in that love. it's not so much love for others that concerns me. i run low on that, i do, but i think that's because i run low on the love that God has for me.

at some point if you are short up on the love God has for you, you run out of it for others. what you end up giving is from yourself. it's like diluted cool aid. it works, but doesn't taste as good.

so what would my life look like if i really understood God's love for me? what would i look like if i understood that? it seems kind of little and maybe even obvious and slightly self-absorbed, but then i remember that it was love that brought Christ here. and it's a love we have yet to grasp in our world. we've battled this unconditional force that sent God into man and history reeling ever since.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son.

i am part of the world. as a follower, yes i can't be of the world, but neither was i asked to remove myself from it. i cannot separate myself from it so i must understand the love that brought Him to this world so that i can understand how then to really love the world.

tuning fork - fasting post 4 - finale

i wish i could say that the thought that started this post was mine. but at last i am not that original. and really the guy, Steve DeNeff, who gave the analogy wasn't really being original either. it's basic music principle. hit a tuning fork. the two pronged thingy. hit it in a room with stringed instruments like a piano, a guitar, a cello, a violin...you get the picture: instruments with strings. and if the tuning fork was calibrated to "A" note, the "A" note strings on each instrument will begin to vibrate. Put a tuning fork in a room full of other tuning forks and it's the same thing. whatever note/frequency the tuning fork is pinging will cause those tuning forks that are calibrated to the same note/frequency to ping back.

that's the best way to describe the fast for the last two weeks. i fill as if i'm being pinged. as if God sending a certain note/frequency and somewhere in my spirit i'm pinging back. almost at times without being aware. dare i say at times almost effortlessly or perhaps, better stated without having to think about it and decide.

over the last couple months i have found myself struggling with many things. doubts. insecurities. longings. desires. fear. frustration. i have felt unwound and wound up all at the same time. i can relate with the man who cries, "woe to me, i am undone." i have found myself on the verge of losing it - losing control - losing perspective. okay, let's be honest. not on the verge, but in the process - right there - happening - lost, no control, blurred vision.

and on a few specific, but brief instances (twice while sitting in a church restroom stall balling my eyes out and i know i'm not alone in those moments) i hear, "lead me to my knees". it's as if my spirit is crying out - not me, not the soul part that's chalk full of bitter and tired emotions - not me, the flesh part that is body weary and ready for vacation. somewhere i hear me - my spirit - me, the original being that bears the image of God - saying lead me to my knees. and i wonder if it's possible. is it possible that my spirit is being prompted by the Spirit? is it possible that something within me knows the real way home?

in those moments it's so weird. because i assure in theory only in those moments do i pray lead me to my knees. in practice, i'm tired, run down, hopeless and wouldn't mind a machete to tackle some of my problems. i want vengeance. i want repayment. i want explanation. i want it the hard way. the flesh way.

is it possible this is deep calling to deep? Is this what the writer of Romans meant when he wrote, In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings. And He who searches the hearts knows the Spirit's mind-set, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. in my bathroom moments when my soul has nothing left to pray and my body has no energy to release words, is it then that the Spirit urges my spirit? is it then that He who is God calls out to His image in me?

is it possible when i've reached the end of the proverbial rope and i don't even know where to start or what to ask for or if i even should, that the Spirit Himself steps into to intercede for me? are the words i hear from out of nowhere, but somewhere in me, really the unspoken groanings of the Spirit making their way through my spirit, skipping the soul, and making it out of the flesh? and can He do this because He and only He has searched my heart? does He know the bitter battle raged within where flesh and spirit war and the soul gets tangled and wounded in the mix? and it's what He hears that i can't form that has Him going to the Father and browsing over the blue print that is God's will?

i imagine from there they choose which tuning fork to ping. and that's the oddest thing about this whole fast. i'm two days shy of being done and to be honest, the answer for which i sought - that propelled this journey - isn't really any clearer than when i started. if you asked me now for an answer, i'd have to tell you the same thing i knew two weeks ago: i don't know.

and yet things haven't been this clear in a long time. i think there were and are things behind the thing that i sought after, the answer i went searching for. there are things behind the anger, the burnout, the frustration, the inefficiency, the anything and everything. and that's what is being pinged. and i'm finally listening.

i may be six months down the line still seeking an answer to the original question on this journey. or i may be one year down the line wondering if i made the right decision, got the right answer. but that is just a thing. it's not the thing behind the thing. it's not the ping.

i'm listening for the ping. and something tells me if i let my spirit respond to that one particular vibration the other notes will eventually come together in harmony, but all i have to do is listen for my ping.

things that make you go hmmmmmm........

A. W. Tozer:

A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God. We read our chapter, have our short devotions, and rush away, hoping to make up for our deep inward bankruptcy by attending another gospel meeting or listening to another thrilling story told by a religious adventurer lately returned from afar. The tragic results of this spirit are all about us. Shallow lives, hollow religious philosophies, the preponderance of the element of fun in gospel meetings, the glorification of men, trust in religious externalities, quasi-religious fellowships, salesmanship methods, the mistaking of dynamic personality for the power of the Spirit; these and such as these are the symptoms of an evil disease, a deep and serious malady of the soul.

anticipation - fasting moment 3

please remember to not comment - see prior post for explanation
so last night i craved...no i CRAVED...i LONGED...i HUNGERED for a jr whopper with cheese, fries and a dr. pepper. the last bit of my self control was extended to make it home without stopping...without caving in to these stupid flesh/body desires for stuff that isn't good in the first place and serves no other purpose than to cause me to salivate all the more after eating creating a further desire later on and a need for another "fix" in the future.

but i wanted REAL bad. i felt like i was jonesing (need a translation? check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/). slight exaggeration? yes. and no.

i came home somewhat hyper (another post perhaps about breakthrough and deliverance and overcoming) but aware of how many days were left. days left till i could eat fast food. and days left till i could really sit down and dive into a good old steak. sure on my off days through this fast i can eat meat, but i've been very aware of my meat choices and eat them for substance over the past week or so rather than for enjoyment. i'm trying to abstain. to learn something.

so friends are coming in from out of town and i, all day today, have been imagining going out and eating a nice meal without thought about what day it is. is this my meat day or my non-meat day? about driving up whenever i want and wherever i want and ordering from that gunk infested, artery-plugging, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen menu.

let's face it i have a plan to gorge. a plan for gluttony (a plan for sin then, perhaps?)

and then i go to wondering again. do i live with this kind of anticipation and appreciation for God? do i sit and think about what He is going to do for me; how "juicy" are His plans for my life? do i look forward to "digesting" His word with others; to breaking the "Bread of Life" in fellowship with others?

you know honestly, i don't. i look for God to screw it up. i'm like a sitting duck waiting for Him to get it wrong. i'm waiting to see if He will really carry through with His promises? will it really be okay in the end? does He really love me no matter what?

oh i say that i believe that. i tell you that i believe that. but i don't live in anticipation of God. i live in fear that life is bigger than Him.

and i don't think i'm alone. i'm not the only duck in the pond.

i wonder what my view would be if i actually got out of the pond. maybe flew with a few others over the pond.

wonder what i might see? wonder if i'd learn to long for more...more of anything He'd give...because somewhere under that spiritual fat i really do believe He's worth anticipating.

frequency - fasting moments 2

please remember to not comment - see prior post for explanation
so for the past several days i've opted off of meat and fast food. just an every other day thing on the meat. and just for two weeks on the fast food. nothing that i can't live without. but funny how suddenly when we tell our ourselves, especially our body.... when we deny ourselves something that before could so easily and quickly be within our grasp...in our control...well, suddenly we find ourselves thinking about quite frequently.

it's the proverbial reverse psychology we like to use with small children. i can't have it therefore i want it. now my days without meat, i am constantly aware that i am not having meat. i live those days with this acute, mostly subtle, awareness that i am depriving (word used very lightly here) myself of something. i pass burger king's (best jr whoppers) and mcdonald's (oh, their fries - especially when hot out of the greaser and freshly salted and slight undercooked) and am reminded instantly of what i am missing out on (a distorted reality when one considers that i am also missing out on extra poundage and gunk on my arteries).

so the thought is: how often do i spend my days living unaware of the spiritual things going on around me? am i aware this much during the day of Christ? does His presence get through the gunk on my "spiritual" arteries? how many times do i pass a sunset, a rain storm, or a person unaware of God?

what would change if i lived with a constant awareness of God? how would my interactions with others be different if i sensed His presence?

and better yet, what am i lacking because i am spend my days unaware of the lack of His presence in my life?

i created this awareness of meat and fast food. i set myself up to become aware of it.

so what would need to change in my life to create - to set myself up to be aware of the spiritual things of life?

fast food moments - fasting post 1

please remember to not comment - see prior post for explanation
last night i had a craving. i was hungry. for what? for nothing in particular. i had eaten lunch and dinner - good and well - so what was it my body longed for? not sure, but off staci and i went to sonic. she, a sonic expertise, was thrilled to take me to sonic for my first experience. and i was well prepared to find something tasty and good and fast and fried.

as we pulled up behind the suv ordering (which we mused that it would be quite fun to holler out the amount of calories or hours of exercise needed to burn calories consumed for everything he was ordering) i realized that i couldn't eat anything. no fast food. drinks yes, but no food. amazingly i wasn't that disappointed. i found myself a fun shake and went merrily home just the same.

but it made me wonder how often i live life just like that. i want. i go. i get. how often do i live moment to moment, craving to craving, filling to filling? we live like two year olds with ADHD. moving flitlessly from shiny object to shiny object. what if i quit moving so fast? slowed down. made choices based on the slow, but sure movement of time. what would i see? what am i missing darting here and there after this and that? filled but lacking nevertheless.

i wonder if this was part of what Jesus was getting at when He told the disciples who had tried to release a demon possessed boy that "this kind can only come out only by prayer". prayer forces us to stop. forces us to look somewhere else besides at everything else around us. forces us to see what we need amidst all that we have. forces us to acknowledge our reliance on us.

maybe that is part of why fasting is good. we become conscious of our actions. the daily things we do, that we need - even like food - but are so engrossed in and by them that the Bread of Life, the One with water that causes you to never thirst again, is forgotten. and here in the forgotten things we find what we remembered all along. what is true to our original souls.

DO NOT COMMENT

so i'm fasting and i hate to put this out there b/c Jesus tells us not to draw attention to ourselves. my fast is not one without food, but rather from some specific things. things i've become accustomed to. things to easy to fill my life up with. things like tv and movies and noise and fast food (instant gratification) and meat every other day when i can get it anytime i want.

my reason for fasting? i seek an answer. i seek a peace. so what draws me to the blog is to process some of those things i think and feel as i go through this process. i would ask that you not comment on these posts. read them and leave hopefully with something that draws you closer to the answer you seek which can only be found in Christ.