I Believe

Recently, I was given a "challenge" to list 10 things that are my beliefs. Seemingly an easy project for someone like me i.e. opinionated and passionate. But it has actually got me thinking.

There are a ton of things I believe. But what is it I really believe? And is it really all that important? What is it that I am absolutely sure of? What is it that affects how I see the world? What is it that I get comfort from? What is it that I believe so strongly that I want to hold on to and improve? So here they go...if I had to limit it to 10....and in no special order.

• I believe that a pro-life view goes beyond the womb. It extends to how whether or not I acknowledge the lady in the store behind me or the employee at the cash register. It affects how what decisions I will make about the care of my parents and should be considered when making decisions/forming opinions about immigration, food stamps, the death penalty, and homosexual rights. Does this mean that we ("pro-lifers") will all have the same opinions about these issues? No, not at all. But it does mean that answers are no longer black and white. The immigration issue becomes a bit more difficult when it is no longer simply an "issue" but faces and families. Our answer - stay or go - has to respond to their humanity and our solution has to include a value of life. I believe that when we act in a way that is devaluing to life in the process even if our outcome is "right" we have done wrong.

• I believe that patriotism/nationalism have become too linked and too common a bedfellow with Christianity. Having lived in a foreign country for more than a short term mission trip or having lived not at a tourist location, I am forever grateful to have been born in this country. I am thankful for all that others have done to make this country what it is from the military to the mine workers to famous people who have lead the way with vision and the ordinary people who have followed risking much in their daily life. But I cringe when the flag is raised to the same or almost same level as the cross. I fear we have forgotten the sin the Israelites committed in the wilderness creating a golden calf. I worry we have also forgotten the God of Moses who destroyed that sacred cow. God did not send His son to die on a cross so that we might be called to a nation. This is especially frustrating when the Bible is full of those who stood against culture, nation, and tribe because their God called them to a Kingdom that was not made of earthly stuff, that was bigger than them and their tribe, their ethnicity, or their nation. And God's Kingdom knows no nationalities or boundaries.

• I believe in the following spiritual law when it comes to an understanding of God, Christ, Spirit, and the Word of God: the more you know, the more you understand, the less you know, the less you understand. I am both okay and not okay with this spiritual paradox. On any given day I can fill astonishment, wonder, awe, excitement, amazement, increase in faith, frustration, sorrow, anger, doubt and despair about this spiritual reality.

• I believe that marriage is God's way of making us holy, both in helping us to be more like Christ and in making us something completely different than anything we could do/know on our own (another definition of holy). Marriage is God's way of displaying His full and complete image in human form, the Trinity in flesh. Oneness. Completeness. I believe this was His intention at creation. (which means I do not believe that God's original intention was for woman to live as we do now in submission to man - not just in marriage but in the way inequality is seen in the workplace to pornography).

• I believe that it the family's job to raise a child to know God, to engage in a relationship with Christ and to live out his/her life in harmony with the Holy Spirit. The church has usurped this responsibility, many times with the best of intentions. A better method is for the church to help parents understand their responsibility, help them know how to do this, disciple them so they are equipped to live as godly parents, encourage them, support them, and to reach out to those children without families to do this. And to engage families of all kinds even if they don't match the "traditional" model.

• I believe that the very decision to follow Christ is an admittance of inadequacy. It is the raising of a white flag and notifying the world that "I am a SINNER and in need of Grace". I believe that followers of Christ should be honest this - about doubt, sins, ups and downs and everything in between. We do not have to have it all figured out; we only have to trust.

• I do NOT believe that if one believes enough, hopes enough, and has enough faith that all will be well and wonderful. I believe this view point is contrary to the whole Story of the Word of God. God is bigger than my wallet size or even my health. Do I like this? No! Do I understand it? Absolutely not! Do I even think it's fair? No! But I am not God (a fact I sometimes forget).

• I believe that each person bears the image of God, Muslim, Jew, Atheist, straight, gay, married, single, divorced, celebrating 50 years of wedded bliss, Osama Bin Laden and Mother Theresa. This gives each person intrinsic value and means I should treat them always aware of the image of God branded on them (something I confess that my critical nature and quick tongue struggle to do).

• I believe that I have married an amazing man. I respect him in a way I have no other man. He makes me a better person. And he loves me immensely.

• I believe that I have been blessed more than I realized and I too often live in an attitude of ingratitude, waiting for the "other shoe" to drop instead of living in joy in response to all that I have.

That's what I believe. Everything else is up for grabs.

Her Stories Memoir Challenge

As if I have no other books to read (have 3 to read for my FLAME classes in March, one I'm reading with Scott, one book of the Bible I'm studying with Scott and another book I'm reading with Aimee) I've decided to join in on the HerStories Memoir Challenge.

4 months. 4 memoirs. From the website there is a description of just what this challenge is:

Telling Her Stories is all about encouraging women to tell their life stories. And not only to tell their stories, but to embrace and share them. Some women choose to publish their memoir, others write for themselves. Whatever your ultimate publication goals are, writers learn best by reading other writers. What better way to explore the wonderful world of women's memoir than to host a book challenge?

You choose 4 women's memoirs to read over a 4 month period. I'm starting a month behind. Thankfully though, I recently bought one of the books they recommend - Called out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession by Anne Rice.

I'll be writing a review to on each book and would love to hear from you all if you have read any great memoirs by women and/or if you decide to join the challenge too.

hey little girl

hey little girl
lie down and die
heylittle girl
whatever you do
please don't cry

hey little girl
just stay down
hey little girl
don't let 'em see
you wear a frown

hey little girl
please be still
hey little girl
nobody cares
to hear your shrill

please little girl
please learn fast
please little girl
just forget the past

it's been a long time

so i haven't blogged since october of last year. before that it was july. i used to blog more often. wax poetic. go into the "deep end of the pool" as my sister would say (not always sure that was meant as a good either). and then i got busy.

dating. engaged. you'd think i'd have so much to say. just traversing the dating terrain again would hold countless stories. leeting someone in again. hoping again. laughing more and louder and bigger again. returning to the person i really am or at least making that person more visible to more than just a few select people. letting the guard down.

and then there was an engagement. not even a mention of it until october. one month before the wedding day? i even blogged about an upcoming trip to brazil. but not a word about the engagement.

there's TONS of fuel here for the fire of writing. but i had nothing. maybe i hit something too personal for even me to write about or at least let a few wondering eyes see.

then again perhaps it was just life. so much happened in such a short time. life and how and what God dealt with me on since april has been vast. i've gone from a full time "pastor", single woman having/needing to make it on her own b/c barring God that's all she had. and it's no offense to family. i have an amazing family. but the reality is that no mother, father, sister, brother, niece, nephew or any number of other family members can fill that void. they can't change the fact that tomorrow when you wake up no one is "really" counting on you the way a spouse or child is. and it's just not the same and unless you've been there....yeah you can't understand. it take brutal blunt force to actually pull your sorry butt out of bed and put two feet on the floor and hope you have enough energy to actually walk downstairs to make yourself breakfast.

9 months ago i found so much of who i was and fulfillment in a job, a task. who i was could be summed up in messy jessy leading worship on the weekend and playing with lucy and melaney, maleah and madison. that job was all i had. or so i thought.

and now? now i am HAPPILY married. relaxed and secured in ways i have never been. truth is i've always been lacking that "thing" even when married the first time which is like salt in a wound. i've caught a glimpse of the Mystery that marriage is intended to reveal to us that i grasped at like a child chasing a lost balloon in the wind the first time i said "i do". and i'm excited about uncovering or rather, being given more details about the Mystery over the next 40 plus years.

i no longer work full time. i work part time. i'm no longer the "pastor". just the preschool coordinator. and i find it a relief and a burden to be "just that". a relief that "it" is not all my problem anymore or my responsibility. a relief for others to deal with "it" and to see that it is bigger than the person or even the ministry even if all are not aware or agree with me that part of the problem and solution to "it" involves some changes to the system - the current way of doing things. relief that my identity can be more than a job. a task. more than something that is capable of failing, of not quite reaching expectations - mine or others. such living is constantly in threat.

it's a burden. b/c the title may not be there anymore (and for some it was a title they gave with the responsibilities but not of the respect) but the heart of a pastor is still there. my actions and relationships with the kids and their families will not change. if anything this new role allows me to focus in on "pastoring" these kids and their families more and better. and so a burden to know that i am pastor to these kids but never bearing the credit for that.

and then relief b/c at least now there is not bite or sting or falsehood to credit not given me when i act in the role of "pastor" b/c i no longer wear the title. the credit is not mine to have. and then the burden gets heavy b/c the credit is never mine to begin with or at least it should not be. it's God and one has to ask why i do what i do. is it really for God or for me? and really what is a title? God calls as He sees and places where He wants, title or not. and He asks that we obey, title or not. and then confusion comes in b/c it is prideful to want credit? doesn't the bible even say that the "laborer is worthy of his reward"? is it wrong to want praise?

and so it goes. i find myself figuring out what this new role means. and what about the new role as wife? again. and how does that look like in this marriage. with this person. and i feel lost. not sure who i am suppossed to be. what i am suppossed to do.

and i'm still not sure what to really say...even with all that. do i write about the loss i feel when my sister and i fight? the loss that is best described as the sunken feeling i felt when i realized daddy was never coming back. the fear i live in that one day one of us will say or do something so irreversible that we'll lose the closest or almost closest connection we have to our father. and the thing that scares me most is the other probably won't know it or know exactly what it was that this time severed the relationship. and yet i can't keep my mouth shut!

of do i write about family. family that as far as i'm concerned abandoned. family that severed the only life line i had to my father. the hurt, loss, anger, and plain apathy that i feel on any given day. and the realization that it's not worth being upset about anymore. people did what they did. truth is most people do the best they can with what they've got and sometimes you just don't have it. lord knows, i've been there.

and yet why then am i the one ignored so often when contact is made? they are so unaware that when my sister is contacted and i am not - when they reach out to her and not me - that i am sitting on the couch, feet curled up under me, hoping and praying and pleading and wishing that they'd say they love me, they want me. that i'm one of them. i'm a 6 year old little girl all over again.

and anger that had died or so i thought rises. forgiveness that i thought i'd given i find i start taking back. i imagine they hurt that i added another man's name to daddy's. i imagine they hurt that another man adopted me. yet don't they realize that each and every time they have rejected me, told me to be silent about daddy, or left me out they have taught me that i am not a Lott. it's like handing a thirsty man only wine when you have water and then being upset b/c he turns into a drunk.

and i'm avoided b/c i'm the one that'll tell you how it is. i call your bs ... bs. i'm hot tempered. i might hang up on ya. i might demand an answer. which makes the situation all that more ironic. i'm avoided for the very characteristics that make me a Lott. for the very things that i was told as a little girl by family made me so much like my daddy.

i want to write these things because somewhere under there are stories of redemption. stories that teach me about a Love that knows no end and about Grace that gives from a place of wounding and about family that longs to be what they were created to be, and keeps trying which says something,

something i can't quite define just yet,

but want to write about until i can

and maybe that's what led the writers of the Bible to write so many years ago

to write until they understood

till they could define what it was they had witnessed and experienced and seen

maybe that's why God moved their pens

they wanted to understand the Mystery

worked out in their people,

in their time,

in their place.

3 months and two weeks

Mariah!! Mariah!!! Look I'm here. I'm posting. 3 months and two weeks later I'm posting.

I'm back from Brazil. I have pics and if drugs don't fail me (sinus infection) I will put up today. Plus I never blogged about getting ENGAGED.


So I'll be back!!

Brazil Here I Come

wednesday we (high school missions team) begin our trip to Brazil. we leave at 11:05 am from moline with a stop in atlanta on our way to miami. we then take off from miami to Brazil, which is about a 5 hour flight. we will arrive at 12:20 AM on thursday morning.

our days are packed with things to do. i will be helping the teens run a VBS three times while we are down there. we just got done making some of the crafts - my monkey is...well interesting looking that's for sure. but i think the kids will enjoy being able to make the animals and act out the story they just heard - the goat who wanted to be a lion. we also have fun necklaces for the kids to make that tell the salvation story.

it's been a long time since i stepped outside the usa. i'm excited but recently have been overcome with some anxiousness. so much to bring and to do and to remember to take (espcially those malaria meds - can't forget those).

and of course i'm bringing a journal (bought by my special friend miss aimee) and am looking forward to recording lots of things.

ways you can pray:

• safe travels to and from Brazil
• luggage getting to where it needs to be when it needs to be (there are 20 of us traveling together)
• Holy Spirit going before us each day as we do construction, give testimonies, do VBS, do youth ministry, hold evangelistic meetings, street evangelism, sport ministry (definitely not my calling) :)
• that each of us would learn something that God wants to teach us, that we would be open

i thought of asking for a smooth trip but one thing i've realized is that sometimes when we ask for all blessings we miss out on things God wants us to learn that we wouldn't know if everything went smoothly so i'm just praying that i have my clothes, my underwear, some clean water...but then i guess even those items are throw away if need be.

see ya soon!

The Princess Tea

I am so proud of what we did this day.

Check it out at Princess Tea.

craziness "lane/thomas" style

so today robert and i went with grandma and grandpa to my sister's Kindergarten class for a little party to celebrate the end of the year. while the reporter from a local news show read to the kids robert and i created our own fun with his mother's camera.....

my two giants

and here are my baby nephews towering over me......

aw, come on...give me a kiss

my lovely niece annoyed by her lovely aunt who just wants a kiss and who doesn't seem to appreciate the joy i bring to the party

but of course she loves me...and i her....what's there not to love, right?

gopher girl and beaver boy

this next post is dedicated to scott...i give you gopher girl and beaver boy... the tradition continues

today was an awesome day!

This is my nephew Robert Michael Dale Thomas. Today he graduated from high school.

He is an AWESOME young man. Intelligent. He graduated Cum Laude. Talented. He taught himself how to play the guitar and he played a song he wrote today. His friends love him; you can tell how much they respect and enjoy him. He's got a good head on his shoulders - knows what he wants and how to get it. And he can hold his own in a debate/arguement with me on politics, race, religion, movies..you name it.

And here he is in a tree. Why? Because it was there. Why not?

Here is the three "munchkins" as their Aunt Pestica has always called them.

Serious mode:

Normal mode:

home

this week i traveled from moline to atlanta to greensboro, north carolina. north carolina is not my home. most of my life has been spent within forty-five minutes of the mighty Mississippi River. a bird's eye view from the plane reminds me of what i love about the Midwest. the patchwork of colors (tans, dirty reds, soft greens, and hungry browns). jagged edges and straight lines. rivers and creeks flowing in and out. corn for miles and miles and miles. soybeans and hay. having never really been attached to any one place it's an odd feeling to feel connected to the land in some way. you lose that predictability of land mass and assortment of colors as you move toward the east. other forms of beauty appear, but there's something secure and taming in the place i grew up.

so it's really odd to find myself in a city i've been at four times and feel like i've come home. it's nothing to do with the city or the people here, the native north carolina folks and everything to do with one family - one piece of iowa/illinois - transplanted here.

within an hour of being here i felt so at home. felt like i had been traveling the world, tired, clothes dirty, and body wearing and had finally arrived back at my starting point. it's the most secure feeling i've known all year.

i haven't quite figured out what makes it this way. what it is my family possesses that when we are all together i feel like i've come home. but thursday night watching and listening to us all i realize how much i miss the noise of laughter and debate and silliness. i miss the sarcasm, the quick wit. it's like gun fire. i miss the joy that seems to feel the room, so tangible i can almost reach out and touch it.

and i know that in a few days i'll go back "home" to the Midwest and it will feel the loneliest of activities. it'll feel like traveling to some far off land. but it's land i know. land that's tangible, predictable, and permanent. which reminds me of my family.

more observations about the family bookstore

for some of you who take the time to read my blog or listen to me spout my many opinions you know that i struggle sometimes with the christian family bookstore. it's a tender love-hate relationship. (for review check out is your book male or female) once again i find myself at this dear store perplexed by what i find or what i find lacking.

you see i was in need of a sappy i'm sorry card. as usual my mouth got the best of me and i found that this week i had perhaps not expressed myself in the kindest, most patient or grace-giving way. i need a card to say hey i screwed this up. i'm sorry. you know the basic i am in need of forgiveness do you happen to have any laying around?

so i browsed the card section. there were cards of sympathy. for weddings and new babies. for pastor appreciation. to say thanks and i love you. to encourage and to wish you no more sickness. miss you and congratulations and graduation. it was all there. and if you wanted a truly spiritual card you can find one in each of those categories. there were verses abounding on cards for every possible emotion - love, joy, congrats, death.

except one. forgiveness. now maybe it's just me but it strikes me quite odd that at a christian bookstore there are no cards to help you express the need for forgiveness. no cards to help you make amends, bridge the gap, make peace, extend an olive branch.

the very name - christian (well it is now family bookstore but we know what they sell inside - christian "stuff") - on the doors is a testimony to forgiveness. a synonym if you will. Christ came because we were in need of forgiveness. we were in need and still are of confession. the bible tells us to confess our sins to God and to one another. Jesus told us to leave our gifts at the altar and go make amends with our brother before doing anything else. there is scripture galore about mercy and love and forgiveness and grace and bearing the burdens and weaknesses of others. and verses about family and unity and fellowship. all of which require the grace to live with others who will need forgiveness. who will need to express an occasional (or if you're me, frequent) i'm sorry.

but we provide no cards with beautifully scrolled verses to remind the receiver of such a card of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness. no card with a tribute to God's calling us to live as a family and as a body, as a unit. no reminder that to do that is to be in need of forgiveness and to need to offer forgiveness.

of all belief groups in the world christians should be the most transparent. (disclaimer: a goal i have yet to accomplish or come close to. in fact one i personally would prefer to not attain at times. my crap should be just that. my crap.) the community as God intended requires that i allow others into my life and i seek to be in the lives of others. and this is dirty work. and it gets muddled in the process. but there can be something beautiful in that mess. (think the wonder of making dirt pies as a kid - what joy!) this is especially true when we can offer forgiveness and when we can seek it from one another.

God's mercy. Christ's grace. it's never more seen than when we offer it to one another as often as is needed. for all users of forgiveness. occasional or frequent.

which is why there needs to be a section, maybe it should be the biggest section, of hey i'm sorry. got this thing all goofed up again. let's try again.

the weepies....YEAH!

the weepies have a new album out - www.theweepies.com. I'm so excited.

great song....lighting candles...

Trying not to hope too hard
For what I want
Trying not to go too far
With all the dreamingAll the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles
Late at night
I Lie awake
Think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me
All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles
All the company you keep
The things you do
Something in my heart
Will not give all you
Now that I have got somewhere
Where will I go
Love’s a train to city lights
Where someone knows you
All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles

beginnings of possible poems...rough drafts

resentments grow subtly with time
begin with a dish left in the sink
dirty towel on the floor.
quietly they flourish
and sometimes you think you hear them
you're pretty sure you saw them but like
shared glances between two strangers
on a train they're gone before they vanish.
they resume their usual place in the disconnect
between your soul and his. and you live with them
like an itch you can't find.

-----------------------------------------------------------

you ask.
i answer.
polite conversation concluded.
i touch.
you linger.
hesitation surrenders.

-----------------------------------------------------------
dust in the eyes

star wars
snoopy
michael jordan
atlanta braves
mashed potatoes
macaroni and cheese
flip flops
tattoos and earrings
disney world
baby blue
violent video games
blow dryer in your sleep
'n' sync and a wannabe
wonder if you ever get
my dust in your eyes?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A Prayer

Come to me, come to me,
come to me.

Come.

To Me.

Spirit of the One on High

who holds lightning bolts

between his finger tips.

Creator of the dandelion and

designer of lion's roar.

Fashioner of this faith

that resonates in me.

Come to me.

Look at me, look at me,

look at me.

Look.

At Me.

I strip off my clothing

down to what I was

at the beginning - breasts bare,

thighs exposed, no hidden hair.

I proclaim my transgressions, raise

forth my lusts and desires and I ask

of you one thing, one thing only.

Look At Me.

Speak to me, speak to me,

speak to me.

Speak.

To Me.

I've left my doctrines and

teachings of old. Set aside

the Torah, my code of conduct.

I want more than words

carved into stone.

You spoke to Moses and Abraham

and Isaac and Job.

Now Speak To Me.

ordering at IHOP

he wanted to be married

like he wanted an ice cream cone

he wanted to be with me

like he wanted a side of fries

with his Swedish pancakes.

he wanted whatever made him satisfied

but wanted no confusion

between his needs and mine

like a menu at the IHOP

labeled clearly

gratuity already figured.

he wanted a belly full

but no dishes to do

no fussing over the setting of the table

or crumbs on the floor

no manners to mind.

he wanted marriage

like I order cheese on

my cheeseburger

or butter

on my toast

wanted to taste it all

just never foot the bill.

fog over bridge

i saw a picture and thought of you.
of possibilities not yet spoken
like fog hanging lightly over dew
sitting upon blades of green,
tender and young, bending slightly
as if waiting for light to draw them forth.
air lingers dense with promises
we dare not share, but only hold close
like cool wetness on tree branches.
and time becomes our companion,
our lover, caressing the light
urging it tenderly to display itself.
to let reality escape like hope
on resurrection morning
with a sigh and a release
of all that could be if we only believe.

sister seven - undone

love this song - liking this group sister seven

Hear the rattle
Change is coming
Baby could you leave me something
Hold me 'til I cannot breathe
I'll wake to find you gone
Well I don't mind this at all
You said that I'd be better off
To find another love

'Cause life's been kinder to me
I will wait this time'
Cause this is stronger than you think
I will stay to show you something
The world is missing
It's hiding under
The shame and wishing
We could finish all that's been undone

wrap around it
Break it open
Push it down the stairs or something
This is what we've come here for
To open wide the change
Some believe in suffering
Keep the lock and toss the key
It's better, easier and all