a psalm

okay maybe i'm the only one and maybe my faith is not what it should be but one thing i pride myself on, albeit probably a false pride, is that i'm honest and the honest truth is i feel like a fake. i'm out of happy smiles, out of a face that says i'm fine, i'm okay, life is good. and as if to slap me in the face, the reality is: life is good. oh sure i've got some punches to the gut and some battle scars but i've got no reason to complain. i've worked with masses of people who have reasons to put their fist to the sky and ask, "why?".

i've been blessed which makes this ever soakening feeling worse. the feeling the pain will never go away and the verses you quote are shallow or more accurately you are just shallow. people say let it go and i do or so i try or so i think i do and i'd love someone to draw me a diagram because i must just be that dense because here i am, almost two years later pain fresh and raw. what pain? does it matter? can't you relate? pain is pain and time doesn't heal it, just dulls the ache.

and you shouldn't listen to sappy songs when you are in this mood, i know but this is my favorite song at the moment - by the weepies

scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
some impressions stay and some will fade
tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
your life feels like the morning after all year long.

every day it starts again
you cannot say if you're happy
you keep trying to be
try harder, maybe this is not your year.

movies, tv screens reflect just what you expected
there's a world of shiny people somewhere else
out there following their bliss
living easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong

breathe through it, write a list of desires
make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."

and i'm trying to hold on, to keep repeating "don't give up". trust. take bad from the same hand that you take good. trust not in what you see but what your spirit reaches for. trust in His character, but i must confess i'm angry cus i'm still hurting. the balm of Gilead seems to come up short or is just slow in the coming. and then fear strikes me. can i say that..should i say that?

but i'm counting on the character of God who knows that my heart is forever tethered to Him. it's just blowing in the wind and my strength is waining.

but still i will wait.

the Balm will come.

and it will be good.

till then....i guess i can always smile.

here's your sign straight from the throne

you know the jokes. jokes about handing out signs. signs to those who seem to ask the dumbest questions or do the stupidest things.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to get into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

i wonder if at times God has a sign for us.

recently a friend and i were talking about seeking God for various things, wanting to pursue

talents passions gifts dreams callings

but wondering if we really had what it took. this friend mentioned that if God gave them this particular gift He'd also show them how to use it but there seemed to be no directions, no map, no manual, no "how-to-do" list. Yet, opportunities were presenting themselves to use this very gift, this passion and people were noticing and holding open doors. it was almost as if God was trying to get their attention, standing on one foot, jumping up and waving his hands all around, shouting in 'spiritual speak', YES YES YES

and yet...

we ponder. we wonder. we question.

and as a result,

we hesitate. we falter.

and i wonder if God has a sign for us.

i'm no different. lately everywhere i turn a particular group of scriptures keep turning up. i can't even remember, to be honest, where or when this set of scriptures began to roll around in my mind. i think during a sermon when i should have been listening and following along and part of the scripture was used as text. and i kept reading pass where the pastor stopped. since then it's been everywhere. like billboards. read a book and it's quoted there. doing a women's bible study and it's there.

i keep coming back to it and again i come.

and it speaks to my fears.

recently i read a book called captivating or i think that's the name. it's written primarily for women and i always struggle with books like that. i'm going to hear what a "christian woman" should be like and since i'm not sweet, gentle, and hate all things fluffy and pink i know the grade i get. but something in this book captivated me. the phrase: I am not enough. I am too much. and i could relate. so much of my life i've felt I am too much. and having lived through a divorce and added a decade to my life i now struggle with the feeling I am not enough.

and this feeling follows me.

to meetings. to relationships. to interactions. to opportunities. i censor myself. i hold back. because i might be too much and then what? i hesitate. i falter. because what i have to offer might not be enough and then what?

and then what? and then i hear. and oh, how i hear it, in the most forceful silence it speaks,

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him (walk in Him). Let your roots grow down into Him (be rooted), and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Don't let anyone capture (cheat) you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking (the traditions of men) and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

and i wonder if God has a sign for me.

you've accepted ME

get into ME

not what you lack, not what you don't have

build on ME

not what you have, not what you overflow with

don't think on anything but ME

don't let man's opinion cheat you out of my joy

live based on who you are in ME

don't be swayed by the tangible, temporary, ever shifting realities

I am the reality

everything you need is right here in ME

when in doubt come to me, when in fear come to me,

when in agony come to me, when anything...come to me,

it's all right here

you are complete,

whole,

full,

enough,

and never too much

because your life is now hidden

in ME

and I have it all under control

and the light bulb over my head starts to blink

2 + 2 finally adds up to 4

and finally i'm starting to not care

whether the light blinks above me 'cus it's His job to keep the electricity on

and

i'm starting to not worry about the outcome so much as making sure i offer my 2 and my 2

He's the Potter, He's the Sun, He's the Rain and He makes it all come up just like He needs it to be in His time, and amazing thing is He never needs a sign.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28