some people's opinion

on wednesday night i was up waiting for my pizza and fries to finish cooking. i was flipping between the wonderful selection of tv channels that i have - slightly fuzzy (that's channel 6), clear 90% of the time (that's channel 8) and rarely clear (that's channel 4).

i stopped for awhile and watched jay leno's gray hair through the silver fuzz of the tv. i came in on the end of tom green's travels through the US meeting various ordinary people to see who was the most interesting. they had found their person and their affiliate station in that town was about to announce to a 91 year old woman that she had been chosen as "the most interesting person".

I watched as a local newsman, probably thrilled to be on the late show - national tv - announced to this 91 year old woman who looked like she had earned every year of those ninety-one years that she was jay leno's "most interesting person". the newsman then asked her what she thought about that and her response was, "well, that's some people's opinion".

"well, that's some people's opinion" that's my new goal in life! i imagine the woman at ninety one has seen all the ups and downs that life can bring, lived through much and hopefully lived while doing it that she understands the fickleness of people. that she understands that someone's opinion of you doesn't make or break you. some people will think you're grand. others will think you're small. life does not move or halt on the theory one holds about you.

i so need to somehow get there. to know who i am. who i am in God. to be like paul and know contentment whatever my circumstances. the messages says it like this:
“I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am”.

my problem is i want to be there now. and i wonder...can you get there now? i mean does it take 91 years to get there? does it take being thrown in jail, tossed on a ship, shipwrecked on an island and bit by a snake? the last year or so i've found that i agree with a statement made by thomas merton - hope is directly related to attachment. his hypothesis: the more detached to material things, the trappings of labels and man made definitions, to this world = more hope. i've lost a lot, given up a lot, made hard choices, been wounded, hurt, run through the ringer, driven through the mud and wondered who i was and yet, never once did i experience a lack of hope. i've gone from owning a home to living in a small apartment. i've gone from having a good job and been successful for my age, my field, my education with more opportunities to come to, until recently, working three part time jobs to make ends meet, waiting on tables to put food on mine. but i never went without hope.

oh i wondered what God was doing. i wondered if he had forgotten me. wondered if he knew what he was doing. wondered if what he was doing was all it was cracked up to be. funny thing is on my downest day, when i questioned everything and everyone around me including the me in the mirror, i was happier than i had been in years and i could feel it. feel hope burrowing in my bones, settling into my marrow, taking root in my veins, bring color to my skin. it was there and i knew it wasn't going anywhere.

so i've tasted of it i think. maybe i know more than i realize i do what it means to be content. but now see i have a full time job and am back on track career wise and more importantly, God-purpose wise and i now i have time worry about what people think. see before when you are waiting tables, working third shift, finding sleep and pulling in the tips to pay the utility bill...well...it doesn't leave much time for you to think about what people think even if you care. but now...well...there's time. and i feel like i've lost my mojo a bit. and where's it rooted at this mojo. perhaps i've let it take root in someone other then the "One who makes me".

i don't what it takes to get to where you know that contentment that paul spoke of or that sense of security that is rooted in nothing but the wisdom that knows the sun sets, the sun rises, people die and people are born and you may think me a dud, but, “well, that just some people's opinion".

hiding with magellan

recently my parents bought me a fish. i believe it's a beta. you know the vibrant color ones that come in a plant vase and can't live with any other fish. my fish lives with a peace lilly. the peace lilly's roots descend into the vase of water and magellan (as he has been named by staci and kelsi) likes to burrow himself up in the roots. he likes to hide.

truth is i'd like to join him. see this post is a self-pity 'woe is me' post for which i normally would follow this self-disclosure with an apology, but i'm all out of those.

when people don't call except to tell me their problems or ask for my help, when i can pick up my cell and see the number and know immediately that they want something but have little to offer in return (and not b/c they don't want to but b/c right now understandably based on what they are going through they don't have anything to offer) i want to hide. i know friendships aren't based on what you get back but then again let's be honest would we still be friends if we never got something back? maybe their levels of friendship or a difference between being friends and being friendly. maybe that's a whole nother post. nevertheless when those phone calls start coming in i start looking for roots to crawl into.

when people need hand holding that i just don't have to offer. i want to be kind and gracious and so many times i need kindness and grace but my job on earth is not to soothe your every issue or lack of self worth. i can show you love, encourage you, support you, help you, mentor you but at some point i just can't do it. i wasn't meant to and at 11:40 PM i'm just not sure it's my job and i start looking for earth to burrow into.

when people just dump, go on the attack and offensive and hey it's okay b/c why...b/c jessica doesn't care, b/c she's got broad shoulders, b/c she understands how it is sometimes. used to i'd come out with my own shovel and we could dump together. used to be i'd call a spade a spade. used to be you ask me for opinion and then get mad b/c what you really wanted was me to agree i'd say just that...seems my 'used to' is all used up.

i spend a lot of time looking at my fish and wonder if there is anyway we could both fit in the those roots together.