3 months and two weeks

Mariah!! Mariah!!! Look I'm here. I'm posting. 3 months and two weeks later I'm posting.

I'm back from Brazil. I have pics and if drugs don't fail me (sinus infection) I will put up today. Plus I never blogged about getting ENGAGED.


So I'll be back!!

Brazil Here I Come

wednesday we (high school missions team) begin our trip to Brazil. we leave at 11:05 am from moline with a stop in atlanta on our way to miami. we then take off from miami to Brazil, which is about a 5 hour flight. we will arrive at 12:20 AM on thursday morning.

our days are packed with things to do. i will be helping the teens run a VBS three times while we are down there. we just got done making some of the crafts - my monkey is...well interesting looking that's for sure. but i think the kids will enjoy being able to make the animals and act out the story they just heard - the goat who wanted to be a lion. we also have fun necklaces for the kids to make that tell the salvation story.

it's been a long time since i stepped outside the usa. i'm excited but recently have been overcome with some anxiousness. so much to bring and to do and to remember to take (espcially those malaria meds - can't forget those).

and of course i'm bringing a journal (bought by my special friend miss aimee) and am looking forward to recording lots of things.

ways you can pray:

• safe travels to and from Brazil
• luggage getting to where it needs to be when it needs to be (there are 20 of us traveling together)
• Holy Spirit going before us each day as we do construction, give testimonies, do VBS, do youth ministry, hold evangelistic meetings, street evangelism, sport ministry (definitely not my calling) :)
• that each of us would learn something that God wants to teach us, that we would be open

i thought of asking for a smooth trip but one thing i've realized is that sometimes when we ask for all blessings we miss out on things God wants us to learn that we wouldn't know if everything went smoothly so i'm just praying that i have my clothes, my underwear, some clean water...but then i guess even those items are throw away if need be.

see ya soon!

The Princess Tea

I am so proud of what we did this day.

Check it out at Princess Tea.

craziness "lane/thomas" style

so today robert and i went with grandma and grandpa to my sister's Kindergarten class for a little party to celebrate the end of the year. while the reporter from a local news show read to the kids robert and i created our own fun with his mother's camera.....

my two giants

and here are my baby nephews towering over me......

aw, come on...give me a kiss

my lovely niece annoyed by her lovely aunt who just wants a kiss and who doesn't seem to appreciate the joy i bring to the party

but of course she loves me...and i her....what's there not to love, right?

gopher girl and beaver boy

this next post is dedicated to scott...i give you gopher girl and beaver boy... the tradition continues

today was an awesome day!

This is my nephew Robert Michael Dale Thomas. Today he graduated from high school.

He is an AWESOME young man. Intelligent. He graduated Cum Laude. Talented. He taught himself how to play the guitar and he played a song he wrote today. His friends love him; you can tell how much they respect and enjoy him. He's got a good head on his shoulders - knows what he wants and how to get it. And he can hold his own in a debate/arguement with me on politics, race, religion, movies..you name it.

And here he is in a tree. Why? Because it was there. Why not?

Here is the three "munchkins" as their Aunt Pestica has always called them.

Serious mode:

Normal mode:

home

this week i traveled from moline to atlanta to greensboro, north carolina. north carolina is not my home. most of my life has been spent within forty-five minutes of the mighty Mississippi River. a bird's eye view from the plane reminds me of what i love about the Midwest. the patchwork of colors (tans, dirty reds, soft greens, and hungry browns). jagged edges and straight lines. rivers and creeks flowing in and out. corn for miles and miles and miles. soybeans and hay. having never really been attached to any one place it's an odd feeling to feel connected to the land in some way. you lose that predictability of land mass and assortment of colors as you move toward the east. other forms of beauty appear, but there's something secure and taming in the place i grew up.

so it's really odd to find myself in a city i've been at four times and feel like i've come home. it's nothing to do with the city or the people here, the native north carolina folks and everything to do with one family - one piece of iowa/illinois - transplanted here.

within an hour of being here i felt so at home. felt like i had been traveling the world, tired, clothes dirty, and body wearing and had finally arrived back at my starting point. it's the most secure feeling i've known all year.

i haven't quite figured out what makes it this way. what it is my family possesses that when we are all together i feel like i've come home. but thursday night watching and listening to us all i realize how much i miss the noise of laughter and debate and silliness. i miss the sarcasm, the quick wit. it's like gun fire. i miss the joy that seems to feel the room, so tangible i can almost reach out and touch it.

and i know that in a few days i'll go back "home" to the Midwest and it will feel the loneliest of activities. it'll feel like traveling to some far off land. but it's land i know. land that's tangible, predictable, and permanent. which reminds me of my family.

more observations about the family bookstore

for some of you who take the time to read my blog or listen to me spout my many opinions you know that i struggle sometimes with the christian family bookstore. it's a tender love-hate relationship. (for review check out is your book male or female) once again i find myself at this dear store perplexed by what i find or what i find lacking.

you see i was in need of a sappy i'm sorry card. as usual my mouth got the best of me and i found that this week i had perhaps not expressed myself in the kindest, most patient or grace-giving way. i need a card to say hey i screwed this up. i'm sorry. you know the basic i am in need of forgiveness do you happen to have any laying around?

so i browsed the card section. there were cards of sympathy. for weddings and new babies. for pastor appreciation. to say thanks and i love you. to encourage and to wish you no more sickness. miss you and congratulations and graduation. it was all there. and if you wanted a truly spiritual card you can find one in each of those categories. there were verses abounding on cards for every possible emotion - love, joy, congrats, death.

except one. forgiveness. now maybe it's just me but it strikes me quite odd that at a christian bookstore there are no cards to help you express the need for forgiveness. no cards to help you make amends, bridge the gap, make peace, extend an olive branch.

the very name - christian (well it is now family bookstore but we know what they sell inside - christian "stuff") - on the doors is a testimony to forgiveness. a synonym if you will. Christ came because we were in need of forgiveness. we were in need and still are of confession. the bible tells us to confess our sins to God and to one another. Jesus told us to leave our gifts at the altar and go make amends with our brother before doing anything else. there is scripture galore about mercy and love and forgiveness and grace and bearing the burdens and weaknesses of others. and verses about family and unity and fellowship. all of which require the grace to live with others who will need forgiveness. who will need to express an occasional (or if you're me, frequent) i'm sorry.

but we provide no cards with beautifully scrolled verses to remind the receiver of such a card of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness. no card with a tribute to God's calling us to live as a family and as a body, as a unit. no reminder that to do that is to be in need of forgiveness and to need to offer forgiveness.

of all belief groups in the world christians should be the most transparent. (disclaimer: a goal i have yet to accomplish or come close to. in fact one i personally would prefer to not attain at times. my crap should be just that. my crap.) the community as God intended requires that i allow others into my life and i seek to be in the lives of others. and this is dirty work. and it gets muddled in the process. but there can be something beautiful in that mess. (think the wonder of making dirt pies as a kid - what joy!) this is especially true when we can offer forgiveness and when we can seek it from one another.

God's mercy. Christ's grace. it's never more seen than when we offer it to one another as often as is needed. for all users of forgiveness. occasional or frequent.

which is why there needs to be a section, maybe it should be the biggest section, of hey i'm sorry. got this thing all goofed up again. let's try again.

the weepies....YEAH!

the weepies have a new album out - www.theweepies.com. I'm so excited.

great song....lighting candles...

Trying not to hope too hard
For what I want
Trying not to go too far
With all the dreamingAll the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles
Late at night
I Lie awake
Think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me
All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles
All the company you keep
The things you do
Something in my heart
Will not give all you
Now that I have got somewhere
Where will I go
Love’s a train to city lights
Where someone knows you
All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles

beginnings of possible poems...rough drafts

resentments grow subtly with time
begin with a dish left in the sink
dirty towel on the floor.
quietly they flourish
and sometimes you think you hear them
you're pretty sure you saw them but like
shared glances between two strangers
on a train they're gone before they vanish.
they resume their usual place in the disconnect
between your soul and his. and you live with them
like an itch you can't find.

-----------------------------------------------------------

you ask.
i answer.
polite conversation concluded.
i touch.
you linger.
hesitation surrenders.

-----------------------------------------------------------
dust in the eyes

star wars
snoopy
michael jordan
atlanta braves
mashed potatoes
macaroni and cheese
flip flops
tattoos and earrings
disney world
baby blue
violent video games
blow dryer in your sleep
'n' sync and a wannabe
wonder if you ever get
my dust in your eyes?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A Prayer

Come to me, come to me,
come to me.

Come.

To Me.

Spirit of the One on High

who holds lightning bolts

between his finger tips.

Creator of the dandelion and

designer of lion's roar.

Fashioner of this faith

that resonates in me.

Come to me.

Look at me, look at me,

look at me.

Look.

At Me.

I strip off my clothing

down to what I was

at the beginning - breasts bare,

thighs exposed, no hidden hair.

I proclaim my transgressions, raise

forth my lusts and desires and I ask

of you one thing, one thing only.

Look At Me.

Speak to me, speak to me,

speak to me.

Speak.

To Me.

I've left my doctrines and

teachings of old. Set aside

the Torah, my code of conduct.

I want more than words

carved into stone.

You spoke to Moses and Abraham

and Isaac and Job.

Now Speak To Me.

ordering at IHOP

he wanted to be married

like he wanted an ice cream cone

he wanted to be with me

like he wanted a side of fries

with his Swedish pancakes.

he wanted whatever made him satisfied

but wanted no confusion

between his needs and mine

like a menu at the IHOP

labeled clearly

gratuity already figured.

he wanted a belly full

but no dishes to do

no fussing over the setting of the table

or crumbs on the floor

no manners to mind.

he wanted marriage

like I order cheese on

my cheeseburger

or butter

on my toast

wanted to taste it all

just never foot the bill.

fog over bridge

i saw a picture and thought of you.
of possibilities not yet spoken
like fog hanging lightly over dew
sitting upon blades of green,
tender and young, bending slightly
as if waiting for light to draw them forth.
air lingers dense with promises
we dare not share, but only hold close
like cool wetness on tree branches.
and time becomes our companion,
our lover, caressing the light
urging it tenderly to display itself.
to let reality escape like hope
on resurrection morning
with a sigh and a release
of all that could be if we only believe.

sister seven - undone

love this song - liking this group sister seven

Hear the rattle
Change is coming
Baby could you leave me something
Hold me 'til I cannot breathe
I'll wake to find you gone
Well I don't mind this at all
You said that I'd be better off
To find another love

'Cause life's been kinder to me
I will wait this time'
Cause this is stronger than you think
I will stay to show you something
The world is missing
It's hiding under
The shame and wishing
We could finish all that's been undone

wrap around it
Break it open
Push it down the stairs or something
This is what we've come here for
To open wide the change
Some believe in suffering
Keep the lock and toss the key
It's better, easier and all

dreaming

dream - to consider as a possibility

the idea: if i were not simply better but well (see last post) what would i look like.

the possibility: if i knew love, the God kind, what would i look like, what would be different?

I'd take a chance on falling in love...one more time.

I'd live with hope that life might work the way I dreamed...rather than expect it to blow up in my face.

I'd believe the best in people...rather than looking for the flaw.

I'd try something new...rather than sitting on the sidelines.

I'd trust what people say...rather than waiting for the "catch".

I'd take the next move...rather than being constrained by fear of failing.

I'd accept compliments at face value...rather than searching for the lie.

I'd let go freely...rather than regretting past choices.

I'd quit apologizing for what isn't my responsibility...rather than taking on guilt that is not mine to carry.

I might just live life with joy...and not dread.

I'd say no...and not yes.

I'd take care of myself...rather than taking care of everyone else at my expense.

I might jump...right into the life I was meant to live.

For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete (fullness - filled) through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

Colossians 2:9-10

if i had what i lacked...

i recently attended a spiritual growth conference called fully alive at the church i attend and work at. steve deneff (http://www.stevedeneff.com/) is pastor of college wesleyan church at indiana wesleyan college. he challenged us to stop trying to get better (definition of one of the words used for healing) and to ask God to make us well/whole (definition of the the other word used for healing).

examples: getting better is not being so critical and cutting others down with our mouths. getting well is learning to praise others and lift others up with our words. getting better is not looking at others with lust and stop watching certain shows and programs. getting well is learning what love is and how to experience it with your spouse.

he had us a list a sin/area we struggle with. he encouraged us to look at that "thing" behind the sin. what is it we were really craving? lust is our substitute for love. possessions/selfishness is our substitute for knowing our value in God. sin is a our replacement for something God can gives us and longs to give us. he then asked us to dream what it would like not if we were simply better and didn't do those things, but what would we look like - what would it be like - if we were well. if that "thing" that our sin was acting as the counterfeit for was really in our life. if we didn't need the counterfeit not because we had exhibited enough self control and "got over it" aka got better, but because we had the real deal. something better. because we were well.

i am reading a book called Jesus for President (side note: a great read if you like to have things that you've always believed challenged and wonder if there is an alternative biblical view to the way things are for christians in our current political system). in the first part of the book the authors discuss this same idea. us counterfeiting.

MOST of the ugliness in the human narrative comes from a distorted quest to possess beauty. COVETING begins with appreciating blessings. MURDER begins with a hunger for justice. LUST begins with a recognition of beauty. GLUTTONY begins when our enjoyment of the delectable gifts of GOD starts to consume us. IDOLATRY begins when our seeing a reflection of God in something beautiful leads to our thinking that the beautiful image bearer is worthy of WORSHIP.

so i'm back to more wondering. what is it in my life that my sins represent? that "thing" that is behind them? what is it i lack that leads me to counterfeit the real thing? and why am i not going after the real thing? how would my life look different if i had the real thing? how would i look? what would i dream?

i think i am going at things backwards - totally, ridiculously backwards. you see this in the christian world. we try so hard to rid ourselves of our sins. i mean that's how we tell who is and isn't a christian right? those who are following these certain behaviors and avoiding these other behaviors. but what happens when follow those and avoid these? am i suddenly no longer a christian? if it's all about what i do than can't i just fake it? and am i faking it?

when Jesus was on earth it's interesting what He had to say about this. He said the one way people/others would know that we belonged to Him was by our love. He didn't offer a list of things we would do or avoid, but that love would guide us. love would shine through. i can do many things but if love isn't in them it depletes their value. paul reminded of this when he said that if he spoke like angels but without love it was simply like a two year old on drums.

what gives my actions their beauty, their wonder, what separates me from others is the love that i possess. and honestly i think i'm lacking in that love. it's not so much love for others that concerns me. i run low on that, i do, but i think that's because i run low on the love that God has for me.

at some point if you are short up on the love God has for you, you run out of it for others. what you end up giving is from yourself. it's like diluted cool aid. it works, but doesn't taste as good.

so what would my life look like if i really understood God's love for me? what would i look like if i understood that? it seems kind of little and maybe even obvious and slightly self-absorbed, but then i remember that it was love that brought Christ here. and it's a love we have yet to grasp in our world. we've battled this unconditional force that sent God into man and history reeling ever since.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son.

i am part of the world. as a follower, yes i can't be of the world, but neither was i asked to remove myself from it. i cannot separate myself from it so i must understand the love that brought Him to this world so that i can understand how then to really love the world.

tuning fork - fasting post 4 - finale

i wish i could say that the thought that started this post was mine. but at last i am not that original. and really the guy, Steve DeNeff, who gave the analogy wasn't really being original either. it's basic music principle. hit a tuning fork. the two pronged thingy. hit it in a room with stringed instruments like a piano, a guitar, a cello, a violin...you get the picture: instruments with strings. and if the tuning fork was calibrated to "A" note, the "A" note strings on each instrument will begin to vibrate. Put a tuning fork in a room full of other tuning forks and it's the same thing. whatever note/frequency the tuning fork is pinging will cause those tuning forks that are calibrated to the same note/frequency to ping back.

that's the best way to describe the fast for the last two weeks. i fill as if i'm being pinged. as if God sending a certain note/frequency and somewhere in my spirit i'm pinging back. almost at times without being aware. dare i say at times almost effortlessly or perhaps, better stated without having to think about it and decide.

over the last couple months i have found myself struggling with many things. doubts. insecurities. longings. desires. fear. frustration. i have felt unwound and wound up all at the same time. i can relate with the man who cries, "woe to me, i am undone." i have found myself on the verge of losing it - losing control - losing perspective. okay, let's be honest. not on the verge, but in the process - right there - happening - lost, no control, blurred vision.

and on a few specific, but brief instances (twice while sitting in a church restroom stall balling my eyes out and i know i'm not alone in those moments) i hear, "lead me to my knees". it's as if my spirit is crying out - not me, not the soul part that's chalk full of bitter and tired emotions - not me, the flesh part that is body weary and ready for vacation. somewhere i hear me - my spirit - me, the original being that bears the image of God - saying lead me to my knees. and i wonder if it's possible. is it possible that my spirit is being prompted by the Spirit? is it possible that something within me knows the real way home?

in those moments it's so weird. because i assure in theory only in those moments do i pray lead me to my knees. in practice, i'm tired, run down, hopeless and wouldn't mind a machete to tackle some of my problems. i want vengeance. i want repayment. i want explanation. i want it the hard way. the flesh way.

is it possible this is deep calling to deep? Is this what the writer of Romans meant when he wrote, In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings. And He who searches the hearts knows the Spirit's mind-set, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. in my bathroom moments when my soul has nothing left to pray and my body has no energy to release words, is it then that the Spirit urges my spirit? is it then that He who is God calls out to His image in me?

is it possible when i've reached the end of the proverbial rope and i don't even know where to start or what to ask for or if i even should, that the Spirit Himself steps into to intercede for me? are the words i hear from out of nowhere, but somewhere in me, really the unspoken groanings of the Spirit making their way through my spirit, skipping the soul, and making it out of the flesh? and can He do this because He and only He has searched my heart? does He know the bitter battle raged within where flesh and spirit war and the soul gets tangled and wounded in the mix? and it's what He hears that i can't form that has Him going to the Father and browsing over the blue print that is God's will?

i imagine from there they choose which tuning fork to ping. and that's the oddest thing about this whole fast. i'm two days shy of being done and to be honest, the answer for which i sought - that propelled this journey - isn't really any clearer than when i started. if you asked me now for an answer, i'd have to tell you the same thing i knew two weeks ago: i don't know.

and yet things haven't been this clear in a long time. i think there were and are things behind the thing that i sought after, the answer i went searching for. there are things behind the anger, the burnout, the frustration, the inefficiency, the anything and everything. and that's what is being pinged. and i'm finally listening.

i may be six months down the line still seeking an answer to the original question on this journey. or i may be one year down the line wondering if i made the right decision, got the right answer. but that is just a thing. it's not the thing behind the thing. it's not the ping.

i'm listening for the ping. and something tells me if i let my spirit respond to that one particular vibration the other notes will eventually come together in harmony, but all i have to do is listen for my ping.

things that make you go hmmmmmm........

A. W. Tozer:

A generation of Christians reared among push buttons and automatic machines is impatient of slower and less direct methods of reaching their goals. We have been trying to apply machine-age methods to our relations with God. We read our chapter, have our short devotions, and rush away, hoping to make up for our deep inward bankruptcy by attending another gospel meeting or listening to another thrilling story told by a religious adventurer lately returned from afar. The tragic results of this spirit are all about us. Shallow lives, hollow religious philosophies, the preponderance of the element of fun in gospel meetings, the glorification of men, trust in religious externalities, quasi-religious fellowships, salesmanship methods, the mistaking of dynamic personality for the power of the Spirit; these and such as these are the symptoms of an evil disease, a deep and serious malady of the soul.

anticipation - fasting moment 3

please remember to not comment - see prior post for explanation
so last night i craved...no i CRAVED...i LONGED...i HUNGERED for a jr whopper with cheese, fries and a dr. pepper. the last bit of my self control was extended to make it home without stopping...without caving in to these stupid flesh/body desires for stuff that isn't good in the first place and serves no other purpose than to cause me to salivate all the more after eating creating a further desire later on and a need for another "fix" in the future.

but i wanted REAL bad. i felt like i was jonesing (need a translation? check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/). slight exaggeration? yes. and no.

i came home somewhat hyper (another post perhaps about breakthrough and deliverance and overcoming) but aware of how many days were left. days left till i could eat fast food. and days left till i could really sit down and dive into a good old steak. sure on my off days through this fast i can eat meat, but i've been very aware of my meat choices and eat them for substance over the past week or so rather than for enjoyment. i'm trying to abstain. to learn something.

so friends are coming in from out of town and i, all day today, have been imagining going out and eating a nice meal without thought about what day it is. is this my meat day or my non-meat day? about driving up whenever i want and wherever i want and ordering from that gunk infested, artery-plugging, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen menu.

let's face it i have a plan to gorge. a plan for gluttony (a plan for sin then, perhaps?)

and then i go to wondering again. do i live with this kind of anticipation and appreciation for God? do i sit and think about what He is going to do for me; how "juicy" are His plans for my life? do i look forward to "digesting" His word with others; to breaking the "Bread of Life" in fellowship with others?

you know honestly, i don't. i look for God to screw it up. i'm like a sitting duck waiting for Him to get it wrong. i'm waiting to see if He will really carry through with His promises? will it really be okay in the end? does He really love me no matter what?

oh i say that i believe that. i tell you that i believe that. but i don't live in anticipation of God. i live in fear that life is bigger than Him.

and i don't think i'm alone. i'm not the only duck in the pond.

i wonder what my view would be if i actually got out of the pond. maybe flew with a few others over the pond.

wonder what i might see? wonder if i'd learn to long for more...more of anything He'd give...because somewhere under that spiritual fat i really do believe He's worth anticipating.

frequency - fasting moments 2

please remember to not comment - see prior post for explanation
so for the past several days i've opted off of meat and fast food. just an every other day thing on the meat. and just for two weeks on the fast food. nothing that i can't live without. but funny how suddenly when we tell our ourselves, especially our body.... when we deny ourselves something that before could so easily and quickly be within our grasp...in our control...well, suddenly we find ourselves thinking about quite frequently.

it's the proverbial reverse psychology we like to use with small children. i can't have it therefore i want it. now my days without meat, i am constantly aware that i am not having meat. i live those days with this acute, mostly subtle, awareness that i am depriving (word used very lightly here) myself of something. i pass burger king's (best jr whoppers) and mcdonald's (oh, their fries - especially when hot out of the greaser and freshly salted and slight undercooked) and am reminded instantly of what i am missing out on (a distorted reality when one considers that i am also missing out on extra poundage and gunk on my arteries).

so the thought is: how often do i spend my days living unaware of the spiritual things going on around me? am i aware this much during the day of Christ? does His presence get through the gunk on my "spiritual" arteries? how many times do i pass a sunset, a rain storm, or a person unaware of God?

what would change if i lived with a constant awareness of God? how would my interactions with others be different if i sensed His presence?

and better yet, what am i lacking because i am spend my days unaware of the lack of His presence in my life?

i created this awareness of meat and fast food. i set myself up to become aware of it.

so what would need to change in my life to create - to set myself up to be aware of the spiritual things of life?

fast food moments - fasting post 1

please remember to not comment - see prior post for explanation
last night i had a craving. i was hungry. for what? for nothing in particular. i had eaten lunch and dinner - good and well - so what was it my body longed for? not sure, but off staci and i went to sonic. she, a sonic expertise, was thrilled to take me to sonic for my first experience. and i was well prepared to find something tasty and good and fast and fried.

as we pulled up behind the suv ordering (which we mused that it would be quite fun to holler out the amount of calories or hours of exercise needed to burn calories consumed for everything he was ordering) i realized that i couldn't eat anything. no fast food. drinks yes, but no food. amazingly i wasn't that disappointed. i found myself a fun shake and went merrily home just the same.

but it made me wonder how often i live life just like that. i want. i go. i get. how often do i live moment to moment, craving to craving, filling to filling? we live like two year olds with ADHD. moving flitlessly from shiny object to shiny object. what if i quit moving so fast? slowed down. made choices based on the slow, but sure movement of time. what would i see? what am i missing darting here and there after this and that? filled but lacking nevertheless.

i wonder if this was part of what Jesus was getting at when He told the disciples who had tried to release a demon possessed boy that "this kind can only come out only by prayer". prayer forces us to stop. forces us to look somewhere else besides at everything else around us. forces us to see what we need amidst all that we have. forces us to acknowledge our reliance on us.

maybe that is part of why fasting is good. we become conscious of our actions. the daily things we do, that we need - even like food - but are so engrossed in and by them that the Bread of Life, the One with water that causes you to never thirst again, is forgotten. and here in the forgotten things we find what we remembered all along. what is true to our original souls.

DO NOT COMMENT

so i'm fasting and i hate to put this out there b/c Jesus tells us not to draw attention to ourselves. my fast is not one without food, but rather from some specific things. things i've become accustomed to. things to easy to fill my life up with. things like tv and movies and noise and fast food (instant gratification) and meat every other day when i can get it anytime i want.

my reason for fasting? i seek an answer. i seek a peace. so what draws me to the blog is to process some of those things i think and feel as i go through this process. i would ask that you not comment on these posts. read them and leave hopefully with something that draws you closer to the answer you seek which can only be found in Christ.

dead man walking

each year this month marches on
day gives way to the next day
sun makes room for moon
and moon slides over for sun
time passes and i'd forget
except for her voice
so similar to mine i forget
she is not me and i am not her
reality sets in, sinking stone
that shatters the illusion of conjoined twins
we are not one, but two
two siblings separated by blood that ties

she sees him in places i walk right by
she holds pieces of him each night
at bedtime as almost grown men
bend to say goodnight to her
and my womb lies silent,
no song of his to sing to me in the early morning light

she can fathom his voice amidst
the den of noise from those who claim her as their own
she can fathom a look, a touch
that might fit well with graduation,
or birthdays, weddings or funerals
the month marches forward and she honors him
with memories and thoughts and
i forget what i do not remember

but am forever reminded
she is not me and i am not her
conjoined we can never be
despite the thickness of the blood

for she can see the dead man walking
and i am but a blind girl that forgets to look

fraud

as if I have the answers, they come
as if i, childless and barren, possess wisdom of old souls.
like grandmothers on porches swinging with the rhythmic voice of time
can offer tested principles of life that has flowed within and without
from my innermost places. no heart beat has ever
beat against my abdomen; there is no knowledge
that has been imparted that lets me answer life’s complexities.

and inside i’m tested and torn, ragged clothes not fit for the pauper’s son
if he had one. if we pulled the blinds back
i’d be exposed, poor and undone, like mismatched socks i am.
the landscaped front belies the disheveled rooms.
and still they come, driving by to admire what they perceive to be

and only i seem to see the truth
i am but a scared child, lost with no map
living off instinct.

A little treasure

i love old books. the way they smell. the texture of their pages. their binding. i find them fascinating. they tell stories not on their pages. who read them before me? what great cities or small fields have they traveled to? recently i was given some old books. i believe by my father. one is an interesting little treasure. it's called God's Minute, A book of 365 Daily Prayers, Sixty Seconds long For Home Worship.

each day of the year has a prayer written by "365 Eminent Clergymen and Laymen." i don't know what qualifies one as eminent or how one becomes one of the 365 such eminent people. its copyright date is 1916.

today while cleaning my office i found this book again and read the first three days. i thought i would share the prayer from january 1.

Open to me the gates of righteousness: i will go in to them, and I will praise the Lord.
- Psalm 118:19

Our Heavenly Father, we pause at the opening of this day to place ourselves in harmony with Thy great plans. We know that it is unwise and sinful to oppose or attempt to hinder Thy purposes. Hear our humble appeal for Divine wisdom, for spiritual sensitiveness to Thy messages, for broader views of our duty, and for the peace of God which fills the soul when working in full harmony with Tee. Let each of these blessings be given to all whom we love. Incline them to stop and pray - to watch and act, under the impulses which come from Heaven. Make known Thy love and law to all people in all lands, and hasten the ear when all mankind shall accept the teachings of Thy Son, and of the Holy Prophets, and thus in sincere agreement live in peace with all, and in full obedience and devoting to Thy Holy Will. We ask these great blessing in the Name of our Lord Jesus, Thy Son, and our Redeemer. Amen.

Russel H. Conwell, D.D., Philadelphia, PA

just a few questions to ponder perhaps:

• am i in harmony with God's great plans? or am i seeking my great schemes?
• do i see God's plans as great? or do i view His will as a burdensome weights i must carry?
• how often am i asking God for His wisdom? how often am i trying to live life relying on my knowledge and know how?
• how broad is my view of my duty? do i really get a glimpse of what God requires?
• am i bound by what i can see, feel and touch? do i allow God to be God and move in ways that are beyond my comprehension?
• do i have the peace of God? do i understand that the peace of God might be connected to my obedience/my harmony with His will?
• is my view of the mercies of God extending to "all people in all lands"? or do i wait with expectancy for God's judgement on the wicked unaware that without His grace i too am naught but wicked?
• do i get that knowledge and acceptance of the Son affects my "peace with all"? or am i looking only at how others treat me?

what prayer should we know offer for this new year in light of this one man's prayer from almost 100 years ago?