recently my parents bought me a fish. i believe it's a beta. you know the vibrant color ones that come in a plant vase and can't live with any other fish. my fish lives with a peace lilly. the peace lilly's roots descend into the vase of water and magellan (as he has been named by staci and kelsi) likes to burrow himself up in the roots. he likes to hide.
truth is i'd like to join him. see this post is a self-pity 'woe is me' post for which i normally would follow this self-disclosure with an apology, but i'm all out of those.
when people don't call except to tell me their problems or ask for my help, when i can pick up my cell and see the number and know immediately that they want something but have little to offer in return (and not b/c they don't want to but b/c right now understandably based on what they are going through they don't have anything to offer) i want to hide. i know friendships aren't based on what you get back but then again let's be honest would we still be friends if we never got something back? maybe their levels of friendship or a difference between being friends and being friendly. maybe that's a whole nother post. nevertheless when those phone calls start coming in i start looking for roots to crawl into.
when people need hand holding that i just don't have to offer. i want to be kind and gracious and so many times i need kindness and grace but my job on earth is not to soothe your every issue or lack of self worth. i can show you love, encourage you, support you, help you, mentor you but at some point i just can't do it. i wasn't meant to and at 11:40 PM i'm just not sure it's my job and i start looking for earth to burrow into.
when people just dump, go on the attack and offensive and hey it's okay b/c why...b/c jessica doesn't care, b/c she's got broad shoulders, b/c she understands how it is sometimes. used to i'd come out with my own shovel and we could dump together. used to be i'd call a spade a spade. used to be you ask me for opinion and then get mad b/c what you really wanted was me to agree i'd say just that...seems my 'used to' is all used up.
i spend a lot of time looking at my fish and wonder if there is anyway we could both fit in the those roots together.
3 comments:
Jessica - Check out your "thoughts to think" quote.
I think this is the oxymoron of friendship. We often sap our friends when we are going through something but what goes around - comes around. The irony is, when all your friends seem to be in one huge needy crisis and you are the lone psychologist, chauffer, doctor, lawyer, comedian, preacher, teacher, leader....etc I suppose it should be a compliment? Some people feed their own needy ego by being "needed." Other people do just fine without someone needing to lean on them. I would say, take good notes. Learn from your friends mistakes and failures as well as successes. I've found that even though friendship can be draining - it can save an awful lot of "learning the hard way" experiences. Oh, and by the way, don't forget our ultimate example....even Jesus had to say "enough is enough" as he was walking away from the needy crowds and disciples. That's why He went off on his own quiet time retreat. Maybe he would have been caught "hiding with magellan?" ;-)
Sorry Jessica - I didn't mean to sign in as "anonymous..." It's me - Kathy. I don't usually respond even though I read every one of your thoughts. I'm not a "poster" so to speak but I have been in these very shoes that you are describing an awful lot lately and the next thing I knew, I found myself responding. Chin up.
Same same as Kelsey. It's kind of weird, I am Kelsey's friend but I would never help her with a murder, (friendship=accessory)i think not. You rock and now with this I think you're saying call me in the middle of the nite just to say hi<--right?!?
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