death

a friend died yesterday.

i sat with her at the end.

i feel rather unworthy to have sat with her at the end.

there were others who were far better friends and companions on her journey than i was.

i cared.

i thought of her.

i checked in with others to see how she was doing.

we kept in touch over 13 years.

but then i remember the words of Jesus,

"when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me"

when i ask what is that was done i read,

"when i was hungry, you fed me. when i was thirsty, you gave me drink. when i was stranger, you invited me into your home. when i was naked, you gave me clothing. when i was sick, you cared for me. when i was in prison, you visited me."

i did none of these things.

i watched a friend of ours at the end wipe with such tenderness the salivia and spit from her mouth as she siezured. i saw her hold her hand and rub her arm to calm and comfort her. i saw a former boss, a friend, reach out and rub her bald head, kiss her as he left. i could justify/excuse my inability to do either. to touch someone is not always easy. to touch death. to be so close to it when i, myself, have seen it up close and personal as a young child when we found my father dead. but the reality is that i hesitated b/c i felt unworthy. unworthy b/c i knew but did not reach out. i knew but did not insist that she be loved.

i knew but did not visit. did not give a drink. did not feed. did not care, not in deed. not in the way that Jesus says seperates the sheep from the goats.

she died yesterday.

i felt honored to have known her.

i felt treasured to have her hug me with no words at a crucial time in my life.

i felt unworthy to have sat with her through something so sacred.

Oh God

humble me.

break me.

don't let me pass you by.

let my faith be a deed.