revisiting my past

i wrote this about eleven weeks ago, almost 3 months ago, end of May, life seemed very uncertain. i had taken a huge risk finaicially and spiritually and wasn't sure just where i'd land and if i'd have any broken bones when i did. i am always amazed at the force at which God sometimes chooses to send us at. personally, i sometimes think God is an closet adrenaline junkie and yet i find him to be the tenderest of lovers.

title: living life on my terms, well sort of

see lately things have been in a swirl. life has changed and taken new directions. some feel so strange and others quite familiar, like i’ve come out of a dark forest and hit a road i used to chase my sister up when we were kids.

and i have to admit that sometimes i wonder what i’m doing, what was i thinking and just how did i get here. and sometimes i get dragged under by the current of what happens if i fail? what happens if i missed the mark again? what happens if i didn’t hear God’s voice? could it be i’m tone deaf or he’s just signally on a different channel and i’ve got the skipper from Gilligan’s Island shouting directions to me?

then i remember that yes this could all be a disaster, the biggest screw up i’ve ever seen. but it’s mine. there’s something empowering about living life rather than letting life live you. you can sit back and let life happen or you can make life happen. it’s cliche, but true. you get to choose. of course that means being willing to get dirty, take risks and be a failure.

you know, be willing to wake up from that nightmare where you are walking down the school hallway in all your glory, but naked, only to discover it is no dream? it’s real life and yes, they are all staring. it’s scary but freeing really too. i mean think how nice it would be to not have to worry about what to wear each morning, whether your shirt got taken out of the dryer or is still in the dark dryer hole wrinkled and clumped up, or if your pants from last summer will still fit or are even in style anymore which if not, means you’ve got to buy more which means money and that the lovely trip to the clothing store where you realize that not only do last summer’s pants not fit but you probably shouldn’t be wearing your winter pants anymore either cus they are a little too snug too and then you leave feeling like the biggest blob of flab and jostling celluite there is.

yeah, i know walking naked down the school hallway has other complications and worries to it, like where to put your money for lunch in the cafeteria. but maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as we thought and maybe it would, but at least we’d have something to tell our grandchildren and make them laugh and think we’re crazy and great rather than that we lived, we breathed and we simply died long before our breath left us.