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so last night i craved...no i CRAVED...i LONGED...i HUNGERED for a jr whopper with cheese, fries and a dr. pepper. the last bit of my self control was extended to make it home without stopping...without caving in to these stupid flesh/body desires for stuff that isn't good in the first place and serves no other purpose than to cause me to salivate all the more after eating creating a further desire later on and a need for another "fix" in the future.
but i wanted REAL bad. i felt like i was jonesing (need a translation? check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/). slight exaggeration? yes. and no.
i came home somewhat hyper (another post perhaps about breakthrough and deliverance and overcoming) but aware of how many days were left. days left till i could eat fast food. and days left till i could really sit down and dive into a good old steak. sure on my off days through this fast i can eat meat, but i've been very aware of my meat choices and eat them for substance over the past week or so rather than for enjoyment. i'm trying to abstain. to learn something.
so friends are coming in from out of town and i, all day today, have been imagining going out and eating a nice meal without thought about what day it is. is this my meat day or my non-meat day? about driving up whenever i want and wherever i want and ordering from that gunk infested, artery-plugging, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen menu.
let's face it i have a plan to gorge. a plan for gluttony (a plan for sin then, perhaps?)
and then i go to wondering again. do i live with this kind of anticipation and appreciation for God? do i sit and think about what He is going to do for me; how "juicy" are His plans for my life? do i look forward to "digesting" His word with others; to breaking the "Bread of Life" in fellowship with others?
you know honestly, i don't. i look for God to screw it up. i'm like a sitting duck waiting for Him to get it wrong. i'm waiting to see if He will really carry through with His promises? will it really be okay in the end? does He really love me no matter what?
oh i say that i believe that. i tell you that i believe that. but i don't live in anticipation of God. i live in fear that life is bigger than Him.
and i don't think i'm alone. i'm not the only duck in the pond.
i wonder what my view would be if i actually got out of the pond. maybe flew with a few others over the pond.
wonder what i might see? wonder if i'd learn to long for more...more of anything He'd give...because somewhere under that spiritual fat i really do believe He's worth anticipating.
so last night i craved...no i CRAVED...i LONGED...i HUNGERED for a jr whopper with cheese, fries and a dr. pepper. the last bit of my self control was extended to make it home without stopping...without caving in to these stupid flesh/body desires for stuff that isn't good in the first place and serves no other purpose than to cause me to salivate all the more after eating creating a further desire later on and a need for another "fix" in the future.
but i wanted REAL bad. i felt like i was jonesing (need a translation? check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/). slight exaggeration? yes. and no.
i came home somewhat hyper (another post perhaps about breakthrough and deliverance and overcoming) but aware of how many days were left. days left till i could eat fast food. and days left till i could really sit down and dive into a good old steak. sure on my off days through this fast i can eat meat, but i've been very aware of my meat choices and eat them for substance over the past week or so rather than for enjoyment. i'm trying to abstain. to learn something.
so friends are coming in from out of town and i, all day today, have been imagining going out and eating a nice meal without thought about what day it is. is this my meat day or my non-meat day? about driving up whenever i want and wherever i want and ordering from that gunk infested, artery-plugging, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen menu.
let's face it i have a plan to gorge. a plan for gluttony (a plan for sin then, perhaps?)
and then i go to wondering again. do i live with this kind of anticipation and appreciation for God? do i sit and think about what He is going to do for me; how "juicy" are His plans for my life? do i look forward to "digesting" His word with others; to breaking the "Bread of Life" in fellowship with others?
you know honestly, i don't. i look for God to screw it up. i'm like a sitting duck waiting for Him to get it wrong. i'm waiting to see if He will really carry through with His promises? will it really be okay in the end? does He really love me no matter what?
oh i say that i believe that. i tell you that i believe that. but i don't live in anticipation of God. i live in fear that life is bigger than Him.
and i don't think i'm alone. i'm not the only duck in the pond.
i wonder what my view would be if i actually got out of the pond. maybe flew with a few others over the pond.
wonder what i might see? wonder if i'd learn to long for more...more of anything He'd give...because somewhere under that spiritual fat i really do believe He's worth anticipating.
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