tuning fork - fasting post 4 - finale

i wish i could say that the thought that started this post was mine. but at last i am not that original. and really the guy, Steve DeNeff, who gave the analogy wasn't really being original either. it's basic music principle. hit a tuning fork. the two pronged thingy. hit it in a room with stringed instruments like a piano, a guitar, a cello, a violin...you get the picture: instruments with strings. and if the tuning fork was calibrated to "A" note, the "A" note strings on each instrument will begin to vibrate. Put a tuning fork in a room full of other tuning forks and it's the same thing. whatever note/frequency the tuning fork is pinging will cause those tuning forks that are calibrated to the same note/frequency to ping back.

that's the best way to describe the fast for the last two weeks. i fill as if i'm being pinged. as if God sending a certain note/frequency and somewhere in my spirit i'm pinging back. almost at times without being aware. dare i say at times almost effortlessly or perhaps, better stated without having to think about it and decide.

over the last couple months i have found myself struggling with many things. doubts. insecurities. longings. desires. fear. frustration. i have felt unwound and wound up all at the same time. i can relate with the man who cries, "woe to me, i am undone." i have found myself on the verge of losing it - losing control - losing perspective. okay, let's be honest. not on the verge, but in the process - right there - happening - lost, no control, blurred vision.

and on a few specific, but brief instances (twice while sitting in a church restroom stall balling my eyes out and i know i'm not alone in those moments) i hear, "lead me to my knees". it's as if my spirit is crying out - not me, not the soul part that's chalk full of bitter and tired emotions - not me, the flesh part that is body weary and ready for vacation. somewhere i hear me - my spirit - me, the original being that bears the image of God - saying lead me to my knees. and i wonder if it's possible. is it possible that my spirit is being prompted by the Spirit? is it possible that something within me knows the real way home?

in those moments it's so weird. because i assure in theory only in those moments do i pray lead me to my knees. in practice, i'm tired, run down, hopeless and wouldn't mind a machete to tackle some of my problems. i want vengeance. i want repayment. i want explanation. i want it the hard way. the flesh way.

is it possible this is deep calling to deep? Is this what the writer of Romans meant when he wrote, In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings. And He who searches the hearts knows the Spirit's mind-set, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. in my bathroom moments when my soul has nothing left to pray and my body has no energy to release words, is it then that the Spirit urges my spirit? is it then that He who is God calls out to His image in me?

is it possible when i've reached the end of the proverbial rope and i don't even know where to start or what to ask for or if i even should, that the Spirit Himself steps into to intercede for me? are the words i hear from out of nowhere, but somewhere in me, really the unspoken groanings of the Spirit making their way through my spirit, skipping the soul, and making it out of the flesh? and can He do this because He and only He has searched my heart? does He know the bitter battle raged within where flesh and spirit war and the soul gets tangled and wounded in the mix? and it's what He hears that i can't form that has Him going to the Father and browsing over the blue print that is God's will?

i imagine from there they choose which tuning fork to ping. and that's the oddest thing about this whole fast. i'm two days shy of being done and to be honest, the answer for which i sought - that propelled this journey - isn't really any clearer than when i started. if you asked me now for an answer, i'd have to tell you the same thing i knew two weeks ago: i don't know.

and yet things haven't been this clear in a long time. i think there were and are things behind the thing that i sought after, the answer i went searching for. there are things behind the anger, the burnout, the frustration, the inefficiency, the anything and everything. and that's what is being pinged. and i'm finally listening.

i may be six months down the line still seeking an answer to the original question on this journey. or i may be one year down the line wondering if i made the right decision, got the right answer. but that is just a thing. it's not the thing behind the thing. it's not the ping.

i'm listening for the ping. and something tells me if i let my spirit respond to that one particular vibration the other notes will eventually come together in harmony, but all i have to do is listen for my ping.