toss the pants? keep the pants?

i have this…i guess you could call it a dilemma, though i don’t know if that is really the right word for it. it seems somehow, somewhere along the way, i’ve begun accumulating hurts. wounds. as if i picked them up in a bag while hunting for seashells or like burrs as you walk through a field. you know one is annoying but sometimes you don’t even notice it for awhile and before long you emerge on the gravel road and both of your pant leg bottoms are covered in them. and they can be tricky to remove and you usually end up sticking yourself in the process. sometimes it’s better to just take the pants off (of course, not on the gravel road) and toss ‘em. which is what brings me to my present dilemma.

see i have this relationship with a good friend and her husband, who i would also call a friend. somewhere in time something was said that shouldn’t have been said. i don’t know why it was said and i’m pretty sure it wasn’t mean exactly the way it came out and yet, it was a pretty direct comment so it revealed some of what was probably thought of me. now this person has apologized and not one of those cheap apologies that says “if I hurt you i’m sorry” or “i’m sorry you took it the wrong way”. it was a sincere apology that said “i’m sorry that something i said hurt you, that somehow i was careless with my words in a way that wounded you.” now this individual also, i think, thought i was being a bit sensitive but they still apologized and i think that counts for something. and i said i forgive and by god’s grace i do, but then again maybe my “do” is more a “sort of”.

‘cus see now i feel like a meteor has landed right in the middle of our path and we stand divided. each of us on one side. and it’s not fair b/c it wasn’t even her that said it, but i can’t help but wonder if the words he spoke echoed both their sentiments on some level. no one has denied saying the words or that they meant some version of them, only that perhaps i was being sensitive or misunderstood and that perhaps they did not communicate their idea the best way. so here we sit. each on one side. now the question is how do i proceed. do i just head on down through the damage, the hot coals under my feet and meet her and we work it out? Or do we build a bridge over it? Or do we just build a path around it? sometimes i think with wounds you have to plunge into the hot mess and get burned and build right the road right on top to get through it. i also think sometimes it’s best to find a way to acknowledge but no need to test the land to see if it’s still good. just build a bridge over it and go forward. and other times it’s best to leave it alone. that doesn’t mean to ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen but i think many times we have this idea that we need to “discuss it” and that is really just a camouflage for our desire, and maybe even on some level need, to be heard. and wonder how much grace is at work when we trudge forward to “fix” a problem and tell our side. we unburden ourselves but have created a burden for someone else. and that is really what i want to offer. grace. i mean, like i’ve never exploded on someone, never been tired and said something i didn’t mean or worded something the wrong way and it just came out different than i meant, or said something i meant but a lot harsher than it needed to be. and when i do, don’t i want grace? don’t i hope, even expect, forgiveness?

truth is the question isn’t so much what to do. that is really the easy part. you pick one and move forward and adjust as needed. i’m of the camp that doing something is usually better than doing nothing. i am no fan of passivity. i think what bothers me as i sit on the edge, dangle my feet and sigh is that i’m just not sure i want to bother and that is where i feel awful. this is a person who has been a good friend to me. a loyal friend. and for one moment of humanity i’m going to chuck it all? and yet i am just not sure that i have the energy to handle one more hurt. that seems so self pity like and i hate it, but it’s the truth at this point. the bad timing isn’t the words that were spoken, my misunderstanding or their poor communication, or the time of day. the bad timing is that it occurs after one too many of them. and again that seems so pathetic and “poor me”. i guess part of the reason i hesitate to move forward is that over the last year i’ve exposed my vulnerability and some of the inner core of me and ive taken help. the words that were spoken make me wonder if somehow the dynamics have changed; the power has shifted in some way. i don’t do well with self righteousness or people who assume they are not capable of the same things i am. and yes i know that that very statement carries with it the very scent of self-righteousness. but i don’t do well with self exposure. oh this i can handle. this is me choosing to show myself, not you walking in on me butt naked. it’s one thing to choose to walk down the school hallway naked as a jay bird (which i have no idea why a jay bird is more naked than, say a cardinal) and another to wake up at home and all your drawers are empty and you have no choice but to walk naked down the hallway.

and that’s where i sit, at the edge, feet dangling, knowing i’ve changed, knowing she’s changed, we all do, knowing ain’t podoy nerfect, thankful for their friendship and loyalty and yet feeling adrift in the relationship, distant and not sure if i could get through, around, or by that i have the energy to do so. that i want to bother and that my friends is a very sad reality.

i've been the "bother" before in someone's else life and that's a hurt i don't know will ever be erased. i find lately that i just want to “take my pants off and toss them” and that scares me.