waiting for the other shoe to drop

i've been thinking about faith lately cus there's something out there that i want and i just don't want it but i believe it is in His plan. but i also know that the path i see may not be the path He chooses. i also know that i need Him to come through. i'm at the end of everything. i find myself trying to be hopeful and not get my hopes up. i'm trying to rest my faith not on what i believe He will or won't do but upon His person, that no matter what i'll be okay.

when my mother was going through cancer lots of people came to me and told me that God was going to heal her. they said God had to heal her because of how strong her faith was. they said God had to heal her because so many people were praying. i know they meant well and i am sure that many would be surprised to discover that behind my rehearsed "thank you" and regurgitated smile their comments actually made me angry. unless they had a direct line from the Almighty they just could not guarantee things. now don't get me wrong. i believe that God can heal. i do not doubt his ability. nor do i question His love for us. i just wonder if we understand the God we serve, one not manipulated by attaining a certain number of prayers.

in fact i found that idea - that simply because i have enough faith or pray long enough or hard enough or get the right number of people to pray that that means God will come through - contrary to what i found in God's word. look at stephen. stoned to death. yet was his faith not great? did people not pray? look at the many who laid by the pool of bethesda and yet we know of only one that was healed on the day Jesus passed by. we know that even though Jesus raised lazarus from the dead he still had to die, a point we seem to sometimes play down. and what about the three hebrew children who stood before a fiery furnance and when asked about their God and whether He would save them did not say "yes He will" or "we know He will", but rather that He, their God, was capable of saving them but whether He did or didn't, didn't alter their decision. they trusted in the character of God over God's ability to do a certain act. they trusted that God would do what was best and see them through.

and i found through my mother's cancer a bit of that faith. i have learned to trust God's character. i have come to have faith in who God is and not simply what He will do when i pray. i believe that God can heal, but i also believe that God sees eternity and the lives of many who interact in ways we cannot fathom and that if it brings glory to His name He may choose a path i did not see or like. i also believe that God's idea of healing and my idea can be quite distant from one another, because i am limited by my human frailty and can see only this life and it's attachment to this earth.

this has been good for me...this learning to trust His character. learning to know that He will take care of me because He is a good God who wants to bring good into my life. i find more stability and less emotional flipping and flopping as i gain more knowledge of just who my God is.

and yet there are times when i feel the almost spiritual urging to hope for something specific and i hem and haw. i go back to my recent lessons on trusting in His character and that faith is based not on His actions but on who He is. but if i am honest i have to admit that there is part of me that reasons that that is simply a cover up, a way to avoid believing in the here and now, in hoping for something good from God's hand.

see even though the three hebrew children never said they believed that God would save them and their faith was not based on that, i can't help but feel a sense of hope. i can't but believe that they were hoping, wanting, and believing that He would save them knowing that regardless of the outcome they'd be okay. and see that's it...i just don't trust the outcome.

the hebrew children stated that their God could save them but they would serve Him either way. i say, "i believe God can save me and i'll serve Him no matter what, but just for the record He probably won't come through". truth is i still want control. it's like walking out on a limb. you can walk out trusting it will support you and knowing if it doesn't God's got your fall. but let's face it folks if you walk out and you know ahead of time it's gonna fall it sure helps. i mean that way you can prepare yourself for the fall, position your legs just so. you can look down at the bottom and try to shift your weight to soften the blow. and therein lies the problem. faith gives up control. faith trusts. truth is i don't to walk out believing the limb will hold to suddenly find myself free falling and trying to figure out a plan B mid-fall. and that is where my faith gets stunted. faith walks out believing the limb will hold. faith walks out knowing that if it doesn't hold it doesn't have to find plan B - a limb on the way down, a softer bit of grass to land on, or flap it's wings to stay air borne - it knows that God will offer the limb, be our pillow or our wind. He doesn't need me to do anything...but trust.

see i'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. there's still a part of me that believes He just might not come through. i just might not be all right in the end. there's fear there that doesn't let me let go and enjoy the fall. but somewhere in there i still feel this urging to hope and to hope for something specific and good and real and tangible, never negating that God is soveriegn.

for the first time maybe i understand the man's request in the bible. Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief.